My Little Pony's Guide to the Galaxy
by The Orwellian Writer
Summary: Based on the Original Radio Series. Applejack manages to hitch a ride off Equestria with Rarity before it is destroyed by the Vogons, and they go on a series of great adventures through the galaxy.
1. Chapter 1: Fit the First (Part 1 of 2)

_My Little Pony's Guide to the Galaxy_

_Starring Peter Jones as the Book with Tabitha St. Germain and Ashleigh Ball_

Chapter 1: Fit the First (Part 1 of 2)

This is the story of the most remarkable book in this galaxy, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the guide to all that the space traveling hitchhiker's truly need to know, and the minds behind it, even if they were not currently aware of it yet. It all began at a house. But not really just any house, Carousel Boutique, a local dress shop in the city of Ponyville. Positioned in front of the boutique were large and recently invented machines called bulldozers that were built to do a more efficient job of what they had come there to do: Knock the place down.

There was only one hitch in this, though. The owner of the place, a mare with a with coat, blue eyes, purple hair, and the cutie mark of three diamonds, named Rarity, didn't truly want the house to be knocked down, as it was also the place that she lived in.

And after she had sent her sister Sweetie Belle to go play with her friends due to this being a personal matter, she implemented her displeasure by laying down in the mud, something she would never do under normal circumstances, directly in front of he bulldozers, instilling anger in the bulldozer operators.

"Now just get up Miss Rarity." Said one of the bulldozer operators. "It's like these bulldozers. The road to Canterlot we're building through your house is progress, and efficient too. Besides, we gave you some notice and time to move your business to somewhere else."

"Since when?" said Rarity in an irritated voice. "I wasn't given any notice except for yesterday at noon, which is no amount of time at all to even start packing up my things and much less completely move out."

"Well didn't you see the official plans for this road signed by the Mayor herself?" asked the bulldozer operator. "They were on display."

"I did go to City Hall." Rarity said. "But I didn't find the plans until I went down into the cellar without any lights in a damp room at the bottom of a filing cabinet. I'd hardly call that on display for all to see."

"Well it's too late now, because this road most certainly has to be built. Like I said, it's progress, plain and simple. Now get up and get out of the way. We're not game to sit here all day doing nothing."

"Well if it means keeping my home standing, then I am." Rarity said as she continued to lie there.

The bulldozer operator sighed and waited for one of them to get out of the way, preferably, from his currently single-minded point of view, Rarity.

It was then that one of Rarity's best friends, a mare with an orange coat, green eyes, a blond mane, the cutie mark of three apples, and wearing a Stetson hat, walked by and saw her there. Now she was widely known through the small town as a brilliant apple farmer and, like Rarity, one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. However, very few, in fact absolutely none, guessed that besides all that, the supposedly 30-year-old mare was in fact an extraterrestrial being from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and one of the many reasons no one had guessed was because nopony on the planet had even discovered that Betelgeuse even existed yet. But when she came to this planet and made herself part of it 15 years ago, she foolishly chose the name Applejack, not realizing that applejack was a popular alcoholic beverage. Luckily for her, it was only popular far up north, and she was far out of the vicinity of ponies that actually cared.

She walked up to Rarity, who was still scowling as she lay there in the mud. "Hello Rarity." She said with her thick country drawl. "Care to come over to Sweet Apple Acres for a glass of cider?"

Rarity stared at her, shocked. "I can't believe you're asking that. Can't you see the bulldozers that are about to knock down my house?"

"Well, you won't have to watch it while you're over at my house." Applejack said.

"You're usually more sensible than this, Applejack." Rarity said. "I don't want them to destroy my house."

"Well you can always ask them politely not to do it while you're away." Applejack said, trying not to make her panic obvious.

Rarity then got up and looked at the bulldozer operator.

"Have you come to your senses yet?" The bulldozer asked hopefully.

"No I haven't. But I'm going to get a drink of cider. Think you have the decency not to destroy my home while I'm away please. Neither of us is going anywhere." Said Rarity, who had somehow been fooled into thinking this was a good idea or made any sense.

Despite being very confused, the bulldozer operator went along with it, as he was very eager to get moving with bulldozing the house, so he agreed, and watched as both Rarity and Applejack walked off in the direction of sweet Apple Acres, the local apple orchard where Applejack lived.

"Do you trust him, dear?" Rarity asked.

"To the very end of Equestria." Applejack said calmly.

"Well when would that be?" Rarity asked in a teasing manner.

"About twenty minutes or so from now." Applejack said emotionlessly.

As some of you know, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy describes alcohol as a liquid with an intoxicating effect. It describes what the best alcoholic beverage in the Universe is, where the best of it is made, and the effects of it. It does not, however, list why someone might put alcohol in a glass of apple cider for a very important reason.

Ten minutes or so later, Rarity sat down at a table in Applejack's house while Applejack filled a glass with cider.

"Where is the rest of your family, Applejack?" Rarity asked.

"There's not home right now." Applejack said as she put a rather large glass full of cider right in front of Rarity.

"Uh, darling, this is a rather large glass, and I'm not very thirsty right now." Rarity said.

"You're going to want it now." Applejack said.

"Why's that?" Rarity asked.

"Because the world's about to end." Said Applejack. "You'll want to hurry too, because the world's about to end."

Rarity didn't know what to think, so she began to drink it down, and very nearly spit it out. "This is very strong." She said.

"It's a special recipe that you're going to need." Applejack said as she looked out the window

"I see. Have you received any word from Fluttershy yet?" Rarity asked.

Fluttershy had moved away with all her animals six months before, and no one had received any letters from her since.

Applejack shook her head, and then she sat down at the table with her. "Rare, what would you say if I happened to tell you that I was not from Sweet Apple Acres here, but in fact from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?"

Rarity thought for a moment. "I don't know. Nopony has ever said anything like that to me. I'd probably think you were joking."

Applejack sighed. She needed to break this to her slowly, but she only had 10 minutes.

Rarity finished the glass of cider, and got a bit of a headache, as she felt dizzy. Suddenly, they heard a rumbling sound from about a mile away. "What's that?" she asked.

"Ah don't worry. They haven't started yet. That's probably just them bulldozing over your house." Applejack said as she looked up at the sky through the window.

Rarity immediately jumped up as she came to her senses. "Oh Celestia, you're right! They're bulldozing over Carousel Boutique! My home!" she began to run out of the house. "Stop! Vandals. Ruffians! Brutes!" her voice slowly faded into the distance.

"Rarity wait!" Applejack called as she ran after her.

"Stop! Stop! I'll kill you all for this! I'll cut you up to pieces! I'll sue your company for everything it owns! Then I'll…OH DEAR CELESTIA!" Rarity called as she ran and looked up to the sky

There were large spaceships blotting out most of the sky.

"Rarity wait! Stop!" Applejack said.

"What is that?" Rarity asked fearfully.

"A Vogon constructor fleet, now come on!" said Applejack hurriedly.

"_This is Prostetic Vogon Jeltz. We are in the process of clearing out the path for a new galactic bypass, and regrettably, your planet is one scheduled for destruction." _Said a partially metallic voice from one of the spaceships.

Horrified screams eruptedfrom the planet below.

"Rarity, hold on to me!" Applejack shouted.

"_Now there's no point trying to complain now. The plans have been on display on the nearest inhabited moon for 50 of your years." _said Jeltz.

There was a pause.

"_Well what do you mean you didn't even know there was other life in the universe? How primitive are you ponies? Honestly, I've got no sympathy at all…"_

There was a thunderous crash, and the screams quickly turned to silence.


	2. Chapter 2: Fit the First (Part 2 of 2)

Chapter 2: Fit the First (Part 2 of 2)

"I brought some peanuts." Applejack said as she held out the bag.

"What?" Rarity said as she darted to attention. It was then that she realized that she had never taken off her sleeping rope in all the commotion today.

"If you've never been through a mechanically generated teleportation beam, salt and protein that can be found in peanuts really helps. The alcoholic cider helps to cushion your system a bit. How are you feeling?"

"Terrible." Said Rarity. "Parts of me keep fading back into unconsciousness. Now, if I asked you where we were, would I regret doing so afterwards?"

"We're safe." Applejack replied.

"Oh thank Celestia." Rarity said, relieved.

"We're in one of the spaceships of the Vogon constructor fleet." Applejack said.

"This must be an odd usage of the word safe I wasn't aware of before. How did you get us here?" Rarity asked.

"I told you. I'm from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and we hitched a lift." Applejack said.

"I'm not sure I really believe you-" Rarity said before she was cut off.

What cut her off was Applejack rubbing away her cutie mark, revealing it was fake, and when she spoke again, it was not in her usual country accent but in an accent quite similar to that of Rarity herself. "I'll go look for the lights."

"All right." Said Rarity, obviously shocked out of her wits. "Oh my. When can I go home?"

"You can't. Rarity, I found the light." Applejack said as she switched on the light.

"Is this really the interior of a flying saucer from another planet?" Rarity asked.

"It most certainly is." Applejack said.

"A bit…squalid, isn't it?" Rarity asked.

"Well what were you expecting?" Applejack asked her.

"I don't know. Flashing light, control panels, the things you see in the comic books. Not old mattresses." Rarity said in disgust, the critic in her rising up.

"Well these are the Dentrassi sleeping quarters." Applejack told her.

"I thought you said they were called Vogons are something?" Rarity asked her, confused from all that was happening.

"The Vogons are the captains of the ship, and the Dentrassi are their cooks.

"I'm confused." Said Rarity confusedly.

"Here, have a look at this." Applejack said as she handed her something.

"What is it?" Rarity said as she looked at it, still having a hard time processing all that was happening.

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's a sort of an electronic book. It'll tell you everything you want to know, and I can tell you want to know a lot. That's its job." Applejack said.

"I like the cover. 'Don't Panic.' That's most certainly the most helpful of intelligible thing anypony has said to me all day long." Rarity said.

"Well that's why it sells so well. Here, press this button and the screen gives you the index of the thing. You just fast wind through all the way to V. There you are. Vogon Constructor fleets. Just what you'll want to know now. Just enter in that code and read it all." Applejack said.

Click…click…Beep.

**Author's note: I'm sorry that the lines in this chapter are pretty much copied word for word, the Hitchhiker's Guide entries really will be copied word for word from now on. Sorry about that.**

_Vogon Constructor Fleets._

_Here's some advice if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: Forget it. They're one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, vicious, and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to help their own grandmothers from he Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beasts of Traal without order signed in triplicates, sent back, queried, lost, found, objected to public inquiry, lost again and then finally buried in soft dirt for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your hoof down his throat. The best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beasts of Traal._

Click.

"What a very strange book." Rarity muttered to herself as she finished reading. "How did we get a lift from them then?"

"That's the point. Progress has made it out of date now. I'm a researcher for the revised edition of the guide. For example, I'd have to tell all the editors that since the Vogons have so much money off being so unpleasant, they've been able to afford to hire Dentrassi cooks. Which is incredibly useful for us right now." Applejack explained to her.

"Who are the Dentrassi then?" Rarity asked, still unable to get with Applejack's new accent, and much less the concept that aliens from stupid comic books were actually real.

"The very best cooks of all, and they don't care about anything else. And they will always help all the hitchhikers they meet on board the ship, partly because they like the company, but mostly because they enjoy irritating the Vogons and this does, which is an important bit of information if you truly want to go around the galaxy, seeing all its marvels. And that's my job. Fun, isn't it?" Applejack explained to her enthusiastically.

"Its amazing." Rarity said, finally beginning to get with the wonder of all this.

"Unfortunately I ended up stranded on Equestria. I ended up there fifteen years longer than I expected." Applejack said.

"But how did you get there in the first place?" Rarity asked.

"Oh that's easy. I hitched a ride with a group of aliens that, because they have nothing better to do, inspired the comics, that, without them, your species would know nothing about extraterrestrial life. When I realized I was stuck, the Apple family took me in and I learned to speak their accent. Then Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom were born and I never really told them where I was really from." Applejack said.

"But I thought Big Mac was your older brother?" Rarity asked.

"That's what he and Apple Bloom both believed after their minds were scrambled a bit." Applejack said.

"I see." Rarity said. "AJ, I don't know if this sounds like a silly question, but what happened to Equestria?"

"It's been…" Applejack hesitated. "Disintegrated."

"Has it?" Rarity said impassively.

"Yes, its been boiled away into space." Applejack said.

"I'm a bit upset about that." Rarity said, not fully comprehending it yet.

"Yes, I can understand tha-" Applejack said as she was cut off.

Reality hit Rarity like a sledgehammer. "Are all our friends…dead?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I was only going to be able to save one of our friends. I saw your house about to be demolished, and I didn't want you to die unhappy." Applejack said.

"Is my sister dead?" Rarity asked.

"Well, Granny Smith, Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom left the planet in the same ship I arrived in. And because you sent Sweetie Belle over to play, she and Scootaloo were saved as well. I'm hoping to catch up with them someday." Applejack told her.

This helped a bit, but it was several minutes before Rarity asked in a calm fashion, "So what do I do?"

"You can come along with me and enjoy yourself. You'll need to have this fish in you ear." Applejack said as she held up a small yellow fish.

"I beg your pardon?" Rarity asked in surprise.

There was an incomprehensible noise out in the distance.

"What in Celestia's name is that?" Rarity asked.

"It's the Vogon Captain making an announcement. Listen, it might me important." Applejack said.

"But I can't speak Vogon!" Rarity said.

"You don't have to, just put the fish in your ear! Come on, its only a little one!" Applejack said.

There was a squishing noise as Applejack stuffed the fish in her ear, causing Rarity to scream in disgust.

"_Message repeat. This is your captain speaking, so stop whatever you're doing and pay attention! First of all, I can see from our instruments that we have a couple of hitchhikers on board our ship. Hello, wherever you are! I just want to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome here! I worked had to get where I am today, and I didn't become captain of a Vogon ship to pick up a random group of hitchhikers. I have sent out a search party, and as soon as they find you, I shall put you off the ship. If you're very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first. Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace for the journey to Barnard Star. Once we arrive there, we will stop for a 72-hour refit, and no one is to leave the ship during that time! I repeat, no one is to leave the ship during that time! I've just had an unhappy love affair, and I don't see why anyone else should have a good time. Message ends."_

"Oh how charming. I wish Sweetie Belle was here so I could forbid her to marry one of them." Rarity noted.

"You don't have to. They have no sex appeal whatsoever. You had better prepare yourself for the journey into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk." Applejack told her.

"Well what's wrong with being drunk?" Rarity said. "I wish I was drunk right about now, with all that's happened."

"Ask a glass of water that question." Said Applejack, who had completely given up the apple obsession.

"Applejack, what's this fish doing in my ear?" Rarity demanded.

"Translating for you. Here, look it up in the Guide under Babel fish." Applejack said.

"_What's happening?" _Rarity asked.

"_We're going into hyperspace_." Applejack said.

"_Uhhhhhhhhhhh…"_ Rarity said.

Click Click. Beep.

_The Babel fish is small, yellow, leechlike and probably the oddest thing in the entire universe. It feeds on brainwave patterns, consuming all unconscious frequencies and excreting telepathically matrix based on the conscious frequencies and nerve patterns from the speech centers of the brain. The upshot of which is that if you stick one in your ear, you can automatically understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech you hear decodes the brainwave matrix. It is so mind=bogglingly improbable that such a useful creature could evolve purely all on its own that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final, clinching proof of the nonexistence of God. The argument goes somewhat like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist, because proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."_

"_But," says Pony. "The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It proves you exist and therefore you don't." Q.E.D._

"_Oh dear." Says God. "I hadn't thought of that." And promptly vanishes in a puff of logic._

"_Oh." Says Pony. "That was easy." And for an encore he goes on to prove that black is white, and is promptly killed in the next zebra crossing._

_Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, while effectively removing all barriers to communication, has caused more and bloodier wars in history of creation._

Click.

"What an extraordinary book. Who is this God fellow anyway?" Rarity asked, not knowing she was asking the most controversial question of all time.

"Your species believed in Celestia. The rest of the universe, give or take a hundred, believes in God. Help me write the new edition." Applejack said.

"No. I want to go back home again, or it's nearest equivalent." Rarity said in despair.

"You're passing a hundred billion new worlds, you know." Applejack told her.

"Didn't you get a lot of useful information on Equestria?" Rarity asked.

"I was able to extent the entry for it, yes." Applejack said.

"Well I wonder what it says in this edition then?" asked Rarity as she typed in the code.

"OK." Said Applejack simply.

Click Click. Beep.

"There's nothing there. It doesn't seem to have an entry." Rarity said.

"Yes it does. Look down there, at the bottom of the page." Said Applejack.

"Oh there it is." Rarity said.

_Harmless._

"Harmless? Is that all its got to say? One word? Harmless? What's that supposed to mean?" Rarity asked angrily.

"Well there are billions of worlds and only limited space in the book. And no one knew much about the Earth of course." Applejack said.

"Well I hope you rectified that!" said Rarity.

"Yes. The editor had to trim it a bit, but its still an improvement.

"Well what does I say now?" Rarity asked.

"Uh…Mostly harmless." Applejack said sheepishly.

"**Mostly harmless?**" Rarity asked angrily.

"Well that's the way it is. We're on a different scale now." Applejack said.

Rarity sighed. "Alright, I'm coming with you. I'm well coming with you. Where are we now?"

"Not far from Barnard Star." Said Applejack. "It's a beautiful place. You can get almost anywhere from there."

They then heard clanking footsteps coming toward them.

"That is assuming that we actually get there."

There was a knocking at the door.

"What's that?" Rarity asked fearfully.

"Well if we're lucky, its only the Vogons come to throw us off the ship." Applejack said.

"And if we're unlucky?" Rarity asked.

"If we're unlucky the captain might want to read us some of his poetry beforehand." Applejack said.

As you may know, Vogon poetry is the third worst in the entire Universe. The second is that of the Azgoths of Krea. The very worst of all was a pony who, deluded, tried to deny his cutie mark in accounting by writing poetry, but luckily died in the destruction of Earth.

Vogon poetry is mild by comparison. And when the Vogon captain began to read, it provoked this reaction from Applejack: Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh-Hgh! And this from Rarity: Nn-huuuuuuuuuuuuuuungh!

After the horrible poetry that I cannot write because I don't understand any of the words ended, the Vogon captain said this:

"Alright ponies I now give you a choice. Either die in the vacuum of space, or…"

There was a horrible silence.

"Tell me how good my poem was!"


	3. Chapter 3: Fit the Second (Part 1 of 2)

_My Little Pony's Guide to the Galaxy. Starring Peter Jones as the Book. _

Fit the Second (Part 1 of 2)

Applejack's mind went completely blank as she looked up at the Vogon captain. She was the Element of Honesty and didn't know how to lie and say that she actually liked the poem.

"Well, I quite liked it really." Said Rarity calmly as she took the lying upon herself. "The imagery was really quite effective, and…er…the rhythmic devices were certainly very interesting as well, which seemed to counterpoint the…er…er…" She began to draw a serious blank, despite her critical attitude.

Applejack decided to jump in and save this before it came crashing down."…counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the…er…" she began to draw a blank herself, but Rarity had prepared her own response again.

"Ponyism of the…" she began.

"It's Vogonity." Applejack whispered at her, pointing out the fatal flaw.

"Ah yes, Vogonity of the poet's soul which contrives through the medium of the verse structure to subliminate this, transcend that, and come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of the other-" She began to reach her dramatic finale. "-And one is left with a profound and vivid insight into…into…" It was then that she ran out of inspiration of anything to say.

"Into whatever it was that the poem was about!" Applejack said, leaping in to save their lives. Then she whispered over to Rarity, "Well done Rare, that was a very good performance."

"So let me get this straight." Said the Vogon Captain. "You're trying to tell me that I write poetry because deep below my mean, callous, and disgracefully heartless exterior, I just want to be loved by others?"

"Well, sure." Applejack said, her hopes dwindling. "Don't we all?"

"No, you're absolutely wrong about that. I write my poetry to throw my mean, callous, brutish exterior onto other people. I'm going to toss you out into space anyway. Guards! Take them away!" The Vogon captain yelled out.

Another Vogon came and grabbed them, pulling them away to their most definite doom.

All the while, Rarity began panicking. "I'm going to die! I'm going to die. Oh dear Celestia, I'm going to die and take everything with me! AAAAAAAAAH! Oh dear Celestia, somepony help! Applejack! Do something!"

"Don't panic." Applejack said nonchalantly, doing something.

"Don't panic! Don't panic! You think I'm panicking now! This is just culture shock! Wait until later, then I'll be panicking!" Rarity screamed.

"Resistance is useless!" The Vogon guard yelled at them.

"And don't try to tell me to relax, Applejack! Imminent death and the prospect of being the last pony makes most ponies very very tense!" Rarity yelled, kicking and screaming.

"Resistance is useless!" The Vogon guard yelled.

"Tell me, are you happy, doing this?" Said Applejack to the guard.

"Resistance is…What?" said the Vogon guard, surprised.

"I mean are you happy doing this job?" Applejack asked as she was led along.

The Vogon guard pondered this as he stopped. "Well, I mostly just like the screaming. Resistance is…"

"Yes, but in general, are you happy with this job?" Applejack asked.

"Well the pay is good, and so are the hours. I'll admit that most of the minutes themselves are pretty lousy!" The Vogon guard said.

"Well if overall you're not happy doing this, then why don't you just not do it?" Applejack said calmly.

"How can I do that?" The guard said.

"Well, just quit." Applejack said.

The guard thought over this. "There's still the screaming to look forward to." He concluded. "Resistance is useless!" And then he tossed them both into the airlock.

"A nice fella, I almost thought." Applejack mused to herself.

"Applejack, tell me you have an escape plan!" Rarity said as she frantically looked around the airlock.

"I do. Unfortunately, it involved us being on the other side of this door." Said Applejack, who was being remarkably easygoing about the whole thing.

"So that's it then, we're going to die." Rarity said hopelessly.

"Hey, what's that switch there?" Applejack asked suddenly.

"What?" Rarity asked.

"No, I was just kidding, we really are just gonna die." Applejack said, not truly worried about all this.

"You know, at times when I'm sitting with a pony I've known for years that's actually a girl from Betelgeuse and Equestria has been disintegrated by aliens and I'm about to be thrown out of an airlock, that I wish I had listened to what my mother told me!" Rarity said, still panicking.

"And what was that?" Applejack asked.

"I don't know, I never listened!" Rarity said.

"Oh, that's terrific." Applejack said, chuckling.

And then the airlock door opened, and the two of them shot out directly into space, screaming all the way.

The Hitchhiker's Guide Galaxy begins, more or less, like this: Space is big. Really big. So big you just won't believe how mind-bogglingly big it actually is. After it gets into what you actually need to know, it states that if you take a full breath of air, you can survive 30 seconds in the vacuum of space. And as space is so big, the odds of being rescued in that crucial period of time 2 to the power of 2276709, which, by coincidence, is the number of ponies, that, through a chain of events, subtly influenced the manner in which Rarity was talking to her friend Fluttershy for the last time, at a party, before she moved and the abrupt way it ended. Although all 2276709 of these ponies are now dead, they are in some way represented by the fact that 29 seconds later, Rarity and Applejack were rescued.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…Oomph." Rarity and Applejack both screamed simultaneously. After that, they both lay there, near unconscious and breathing heavily. Neither of them wanted to get up or even open their eyes, so they just lay there for a while.

Finally, Rarity opened her eyes. "Applejack, is it just me, or are we at the beach by the coast of Equestria?" she asked, her voice rather tired.

"Oh, you noticed that too? Good, I had thought I had gone crazy." Applejack said.

"Then they both began to wake up a little and looked out at the shoreline with lidless eyes.

"Well isn't that odd?" Rarity asked.

"Yes, all the water just hangs right in place. No waves or anything." Applejack said.

"Yes, indeed." Rarity said looking out at the waves. It was then that they began to think a bit more clearly. "Applejack, hasn't the Equestrian coast been disintegrated?"

"Why yes it has, Rarity." Applejack said.

"So how can we be here?" she asked.

"Perhaps I've gone mad after all." She concluded.

"But I can see it too!" Rarity said.

"Well perhaps we both went mad at the same time." Applejack concluded after another moment of thought.

"How does that make any sense?" Rarity asked.

"How should I know? I'm mad." Applejack said calmly.

It was then that Rarity realized one of her hooves was missing. "_Aaaah! Applejack, what's happening?" _She asked, her voice suddenly becoming slurred.

"How should I know?" Applejack asked, her voice becoming more high pitched as her muzzle grew longer. "But we must be on some kind of spaceship."

Then they realized that the Equestrian coast was melting away around them, until soon they were in the middle of an inky blackness, as Rarity continued to have her body parts disappear and Applejack continued to morph into what looked like a penguin.

"_Applejack, what do you think is happening?" _Rarity asked.

"I don't have a clue." Applejack said as she completely changed into a penguin.

"_The coast seems to be melting away. Stars are swirling around… There's snow…" _Rarity said through her warped speech. "_Applejack, don't tell me you're a penguin."_

"_2 to the power of 75,000 to one against and falling." _Said a computerized femalevoice.

"Hey, who are you? Where are you? What's going on, and is there any way of stopping it?" Applejack demanded though her penguin beak.

"_Please relax. You are perfectly safe." _Said the voice.

"That's not the point. The point is that I'm a perfectly safe penguin, and my friend here is rapidly running out of limbs!" Applejack the penguin yelled.

"Oh, its alright I've got them all back now." Said Rarity, her voice having returned to normal.

"_Two to the power of 50,000 to one against and falling." _Said the voice.

"They're a bit longer than I usually like them, but oh well…" Rarity said.

"Isn't there anything you ought to be telling us?" Applejack yelled to wherever the voice was.

"_Please relax. You are now aboard the starship Heart of Gold. Do not be alarmed by anything you see or hear. You are bound to feel some effects as you have been rescued from certain death at an improbability level of 2 to the power of 2276709 to 1 against. We are now cruising at a level of 2 to the power of 25,000 to 1 against. Normality will be restored as soon as we are assured what is normal anyway. Thank you. Two to the power of 20,000 to 1 against and falling."_

"Rare, this is fantastic! We've been picked up by a ship with the new Infinite Improbability Drive! I mean, this is really incredible!" Said the no longer a penguin Applejack.

"AJ, there's an infinite number of monkeys outside that want to talk to us about this play they've worked out." Rarity said, rather surprised.


	4. Chapter 4: Fit the Second (Part 2 of 2)

Chapter 4: Fit the First (Part 2 of 2)

"_Five to one against and falling. Four to one against and falling. Three to one against and falling. Two. One. One to One. We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you can't cope with is therefore your own problem. Please relax." _Said the computer's voice.

"Who are they, Shutter?" Zaphod Beeblebrox, The President of the Galaxy asked his girlfriend. This pony happened to look like any other except for his second head behind his normal one and his fifth hoof in front.

"Just a couple of guys we picked up in open space. ZZ 9 Plural Z Alpha. See?" said Shutter. But Shutter was just a nickname she had been given. Her actual name was Fluttershy, and she had been lifted off the planet six months ago. In those six months, she had grown a considerable deal braver, to about an average level, and an extraordinary deal smarter.

"Yeah, that's nice, but in the position we're in, with every policeman in the galaxy after us, do you think it's a good idea to be picking up hitchhikers?" Zaphod asked. "So, under said circumstances, we get ten out of ten for style, but I'll have to subtract several million for good thinking."

"I didn't, the ship did. All on its own." Fluttershy (and or Shutter) said, her voice having gotten a bit louder than her usual quiet nature. "And they were floating unprotected in deep space. You wouldn't have wanted them to die, would you?"

"Well not as such, but- The ship did it all on its own?" Zaphod asked.

"Yes, while we were traveling with the Infinite Improbability Drive." Shutter said, still not quite familiar with the concept.

Zaphod chuckled. "That's incredible."

"No, just very, very improbable." Shutter pointed out, now having the courage to tell somepony they were wrong. "Look don't worry about them, they're just a couple of guys, I'm sure. I'll send that robot down to check up on them. Hey, Marvin!" she called out.

Some metallic, clanking footsteps were heard as a mechanical figure walked into the room. "_I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed." _It said in what was almost certainly a deadpan, depressed tone of voice.

Zaphod sighed in frustration.

"Well here's something that will keep your mind off depression." Fluttershy said in her caring for animals voice.

"_I won't work. I have an exceptionally large mind."_ Marvin said.

"Marvin…" she scolded.

"_All right. What do you want me to do?" _Marvin asked.

"I need you to go don and bring the two aliens up here under surveillance." Shutter asked calmly.

"_Just that?"_ Marvin asked.

"Yes." Shutter told him.

"_I won't enjoy it." _He said.

"She's not asking you to enjoy it!" Zaphod yelled. "Just do it!"

"_All right, I'll do it." _Marvin said as he began to clank off.

"Good. Great." Zaphod said, frustrated.

"_I'm not getting you down, am I?" _Marvin asked.

"No, No! We're fine!" Shutter said calmly.

"_I_ _wouldn't like to think I was getting you down."_ Marvin said.

"No! No!" Shutter said. "Don't worry about that! Just act as you think is natural, and everything will be fine."

"_You sure you don't mind?" _Marvin said.

"No, its all just part of life." Zaphod said.

"_Life? Don't talk to me about life." _Marvin said as he clunked off.

"I'm a friend to all creatures, but I don't think I can stand that robot much longer, Zaphod." Shutter said, a hint of frustration in her voice.

As metallic beeps sounded out, Applejack observed, "I think this ship is brand new, Rarity."

"How can you tell? Have you got some device for measuring the age of metal?" Rarity asked.

"No, I just found this sales brochure on the floor. Look, 'All the Universe can be yours.' And look at this, 'Smashing new breakthrough in improbable physics. New Infinite Improbability Drive allows you to travel through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe almost simultaneously." She flipped the page. "You select our own reentry point. Be the envy of other major governments.' This is big league stuff that we're standing in right now." Applejack said.

"It certainly looks much better than that ghastly Vogon ship we were on." Rarity said. "This is my idea of what a spaceship should look like. All the gleaming white that matches my coat, the beautiful flashing lights. Everything. What happens if I press this button?"

"I wouldn't." Applejack said frantically.

It was too late, she had already pressed it.

"What happened?" Applejack asked.

"A sign came up that said 'Please do not push this button again.'" Rarity said. "Seems ludicrous, don't you think?"

"They make a big thing of all of the ship's cybernetics. All its new robotics and computers, with the new G.P.P program."

"What's G.P.P?" Rarity asked.

"Uh…It says Genuine Pony Personalities." Applejack said.

"That sounds absolutely ghastly." Rarity said dramatically.

"_It is." _Marvin said.

"What?" Rarity said in surprise.

"_Ghastly. It always is. Absolutely ghastly. Look at these doors. They all have a cheerful and sunny disposition. It is their pleasure to open for you, and then close for you again with the knowledge of a job well done."_

It was then that the door in front of them opened.

"_Hateful isn't it? Come on. I've been ordered to take you to the bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they tell me to take you up to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, because I certainly don't."_

"Excuse me." Applejack said politely. "Which government owns this ship?"

"_You watch this door." _Marvin said. "_It's about to on. Come on."_

"_Glad to be of service." _The door said as it opened.

The voice nearly made Rarity tear up. It was the voice of her now dead friend, Pinkie Pie.

"_Oh thank you, robot builders." _Marvin said rather sarcastically without changing his tone at all.

"_You're welcome." _The door slid closed.

"'_Let's build robots with genuine pony personalities.' They said. So they tried it out on me. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell, can't you?" _Marvin said.

"Uh… Look, which government owns this ship?" Applejack asked.

"_No government. Its been stolen." _Marvin said.

"Stolen? By who?" Applejack asked.

"_Zaphod Beeblebrox."_

"Zaphod Beeblebrox?" Applejack asked, surprised.

"_Oh, did I say anything wrong? I'm so sorry for breathing which I never do anyway so I don't know why I said it- Oh, God, I'm so depressed."_ Marvin said. "_Open. Sigh. Life, don't talk to me about life."_

The door in front of them opened.

"Nopony even mentioned it…" Rarity said, sighing.

"Zaphod Beeblebrox…Really… Zaphod Beeblebrox…" Applejack said, too deep in thought to actually be listening to what was going on around her.

_This is the Sub Etha News Report, broadcasting around the galaxy. And in the latest news, Zaphod Beeblebrox, inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the drink in the universe, voted the worst dressed in the universe 7 years in a row, and part time president of the Galaxy, who recently stole the SS Heart of Gold, the only ship with the Infinite Improbability Drive, has yet to be captured. Has he finally lost it? The answer: Probably…_

_Click._

"Hey, what did you turn it off for, Shutter?" Zaphod asked.

"I was just thinking…Zaphod take your front hooves off me, and the other one, and the other one…"

"Oh, but I grew this one just for you, baby." Zaphod said disappointedly.

"Oh dear… I'm not comfortable with this…Anyway, you know the section we picked those guys up in, ZZ 9 Plural Z Alpha. Well, that's the same section you picked me up in." Shutter said. "Right there."

"Hey, right. Now how did we come to be there?" Zaphod said.

"The Improbability Drive. We passed through everywhere at once." She said, though not quite clear on the concept.

"Yeah, but picking them up there is too strange a coincidence. I want to work this out. Computer?" he asked.

"_Yes? I want you to know that whatever the problem, I am here to help you solve it." _Said the computer with the voice of Pinkie Pie.

"Look, maybe I should just work this out myself. Can I have a pen and paper?" Zaphod asked, frustrated with the cheery attitude of the computer.

"_Sure thing. I understand. If you ever need anything…"_

"Shut up." Zaphod said as he clasped the pen in two out of 3 of his front hooves "Okay, the ship picked them up all by itself." He said, writing furiously. "So that already gives us a high improbability factor. We picked them up in that particular zone of space, so that gives us another high improbability factor. They weren't wearing any spacesuits so we picked them up in a crucial 30 second period."

"I've got a note for that factor." Shutter said, handing him the note.

"Good, Add that all together, and you have an improbability factor of…well, its pretty vast, but it's not infinite. At what time did we pick them up anyway?" Zaphod asked.

"At about Infinite Improbability level." Shutter said, reading from the screen.

"So that's a big probability gap still to be filled." Zaphod said, not understanding this very well. "Look, they're on their way up here now, right?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Well can we pick them up on any cameras?"

"I should think so."

Beep.

"_And then of course I got this terrible pain in all my diodes down the left side." _Marvin complained.

"Is that all?" Rarity asked.

"_I've asked for them to be replaced, but no one ever listens to me."_

"I can imagine why."

Shutter's face brightened up. "Oh my, I don't believe it." She said happily.

"Well, well…Zaphod Beeblebrox." Applejack said.

Zaphod burst out laughing. "I don't believe it! This is just too amazing! I'll handle he introductions. Is anything wrong?"

"I think I'll just wait in the cabin for a moment. I'll be back in a minute. Oh dear…"

"Oh, this is going to be great! I'm gonna be so unbelievably cool about it! Oh, this is gonna be terrific! Several million points for style!"

He sat down as the door opened.

"_I suppose you'll want to see the aliens now? Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I'm standing?" _Marvin said.

"Just show them please." Zaphod said. "Applejack, hi…"

"Zaphod, great to see you, hi… You look great. Nice extra arm nice ship you've stolen.

"You know him?" Rarity said.

"Know him? Oh… Zaphod, this is Rarity, I saved her when her planet blew up."

"Right, right. Hello Arthur, I'm…"

"We've met."

"What?" Applejack asked.

"Oh, uh… Have we? You know, uh…"

"What do you mean you've met? This is Zaphod Beeblebrox from Betelgeuse 5, not Upper Crust from Canterlot." Applejack demanded.

"I don't care, we've met, haven't we, Zaphod, or should I say, Clover?" Rarity said.

"What?" Applejack demanded.

"Oh…um…you'll have to refresh my memory…I've got a terrible memory for species." Zaphod said.

"It was at a party." Rarity said.

"I rather doubt it." Zaphod said.

"Six months ago. Equestria, Ponyville. Sugarcube Corner" Rarity said.

"Oh, that party!" Zaphod said nervously.

"Zaphod, you don't mean to say that, you've been on that miserable planet yourself, do you?" Applejack demanded.

"Oh, of course not…I mean, I was only there on my way somewhere." Zaphod said increasingly nervously.

"What's all this about?" Applejack demanded.

"You weren't at this party due to your harvest, Applejack. I was engaged in a conversation with Fluttershy. He came over with one head and only four hooves and calling himself Clover, pulls Fluttershy away, and the next day I'm informed she moved." Rarity explained.

"But he was from another planet." Shutter said, walking into the room."

"Fluttershy, you're alive?" Rarity asked as she and Applejack embraced in a hug.

"Is this going to happen every time we use the improbability drive?" Zaphod asked.

"Very probably." Fluttershy said.

It was then that Zaphod Beeblebrox introduced himself to a very large drink.


	5. Chapter 5: Fit the Third (Part 1 of 2)

_My Little Pony's Guide To The Galaxy. Staring Peter Jones as…The Book._

Chapter 5: Fit the Third (Part 1 of 2)

Rarity was having a catch up session with Fluttershy. After all they had been through, they needed to talk to each other. Applejack had been there for a few moments, but after a while, she had left and was now engaged in a debate with Zaphod Beeblebrox.

"I'm sorry, I just don't believe a word of what you're telling me." Applejack said.

"Listen to me, AJ, I've found it. I've really found it." Zaphod said.

"The planet Magrathea is just a myth, plain and simple. It's a bedtime story." Applejack said.

"And we happen to be in orbit above that myth right now." Zaphod said.

Applejack sighed. "Look, I can't help what your ship happens to be in orbit around, but I'm telling you right now…"

"Computer!" Zaphod called, cutting her off.

Applejack groaned. "Oh no…"

"_Hey guys, this is Pinkie, the ship's computer, and I'm feeling oh so happy, and I just know I'm going to love whatever you ask me." _The computer said.

"Is this really necessary…" Applejack whispered, not really loving listening to the voice of her dead friend.

"What's our current position?" Zaphod asked.

"_Sure pals, we're currently at an orbit of 300 miles above the legendary planet Magrathea. Oh wow." _Pinkie told them.

"Proving nothing. That computer is as insane as the real Pinkie was." Applejack insisted stubbornly.

"_I can certainly prove how insane she was. I can even work out her personality problems to 10 decimal points away, no more."_ The computer said cheerfully.

"No thanks." Applejack said, gritting her teeth.

"Zaphod, sunrise happens soon on the planet below, whatever it is…" Fluttershy said, sticking her head through the door.

"Okay then. How about we just…take a look at it." Zaphod said. "Computer?"

"_Hi there. What can I do for you…"_

"Shut up and give us the external view of the planet." Zaphod said.

"I think I might be missing something important here, Fluttershy." Rarity said.

"Well, from what Zaphod told me, Magrathea is a legendary planet from a very long time ago that nopony (or nobody) actually believes in. The legend says that the Magratheans used to manufacture planets." Fluttershy explained.

"My…" Rarity muttered impressively before another thought entered her head. "Is there any tea on this ship?"

And slowly, the starship Heart of Gold began to make its rumbling descent towards the planet that may or may not be the legendary planet Magrathea.

"And even supposing that this planet is Magrathea…" said Applejack, still arguing.

"Which it is…" Zaphod said.

"Which it **isn't**." Applejack said forcefully. "What do you want there? I know you aren't in it for archeology. So why are you going?"

"Partly for the curiosity, partly for that sense of adventure, but mostly for the fame and the glory." Zaphod said arrogantly.

"It's just a dead planet!" Applejack yelled.

"The suspense is just killing me…" Rarity said sarcastically. It was then that she asked the most important question possible, to which Zaphod answered in the most incorrect way possible. "Is it safe?" she asked.

"Magrathea has been dead for centuries, no, millennia, no, eons. Of course it's safe. Even the ghosts will have packed up by now." Zaphod answered.

"_Greetings to you…"_ said a voice behind them.

"What?" they all yelled as they jumped.

"Computer, what is it?" Zaphod asked.

"_Oh, just some 5 million year old tape recording that's being broadcasted to us." _The computer said.

"_This is a recorded message. We're all out at the moment. The council of Magrathea sends its condolences…"_

"A voice from ancient Magrathea." Zaphod whispered excitedly.

"Okay, okay…" Applejack whispered back.

"_The planet is currently closed for business. If you want to leave your name and a planet where you can be contacted, please do so after the tone." _A sharp beep sounded.

"They want to gat rid of us! What do we do?" Fluttershy said, beginning to panic.

"It's just a recording. Keep going." Zaphod said. "Understand that computer?"

"_I got it._" Pinkie said.

"_We ensure you that as soon as the planet reopens business, we will inform you in any compatible manner. Meanwhile we_ _thank all our clients, and would ask them to leave…now." _The recording said in a threatening tone.

"Well, I suppose we better be off then." Rarity said.

"Shhh! There's nothing to be worried about!" Zaphod whispered.

"Then why is everypony so tense?" she asked.

"They're just interested. We keep going." Zaphod said sharply.

Suddenly there was a whooshing sound off in the distance.

"_Would all the clients that are still here please enjoy these missiles as courtesy of the Magrathean Council. It is so gratifying that your enthusiasm for our services continued on. These deadly missiles are a courtesy to all out most enthusiastic customers. The fully armed nuclear warheads are only a minor detail. We look forward to your patronage in your future lives."_

"I wonder what it must be like in the complaints department if that's the sales pitch." Rarity mused, panic having yet to set in.

"Hey, this is great! We really must be on to something if they're aiming missiles at us!" Zaphod said enthusiastically.

"Terrific." Rarity muttered sarcastically.

"You mean there really is somepony down there?" Fluttershy asked fearfully.

"No, all the defense systems are automatic. But still, wow." Zaphod said.

"But what are we going to do?" Rarity asked, beginning to panic.

"Oh we'll just keep calm."

"Is that all?" Rarity demanded.

"No, we're gonna take evasive action." Zaphod said. "Computer?"

""_Yes?"_

"What evasive action can we take?"

"_Uhh…none I'm afraid guys." _Pinkie said sadly.

"Why not?" Zaphod asked.

"_There seems to be something jamming my guidance systems. Impact in thirty seconds." _An alarm began to sound. "_Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Please call me Pinkie if it will help you relax."_

"Right, um…look, we've got to get manual control of the ship." Zaphod said nervously. "Shutter, do you know how to fly her?"

"No." she said.

"Applejack?"

"No." Applejack said.

"Fine, we'll do it together." Zaphod said.

"I can't either." Rarity said in annoyance.

"I gathered that." Zaphod said. "Computer I want full manual control now."

"_Okay guys, good luck. Impact in 20 seconds." _The computer said.

"Okay Applejack, full thrust and 10 degrees starboard." Zaphod said.

"We're veering too fast!" Fluttershy said, trying hard not to panic.

"I can't hold us. We've got to dive! Dive!" Applejack yelled.

"_Impact in 15 seconds guys." _

"They're still tracking us! We can't shake them! We're going to die!" Rarity said in shock.

Pinkie began to sing electronically.

"Shut the computer up!" Applejack yelled, partially cracking.

"Zaphod, can we stabilize deck zero zero five four seven by splitting our flight path across the summit vector of 9 GX 78 with a five degree inertial correction?" Fluttershy said in a shocking moment of competence.

"What?" Zaphod asked. "Uhh, I expect so. We can certainly try. And god forgive you if you were only bluffing." He whispered that last sentence.

"Here we go." Fluttershy said, a whole lot braver than she was a few months ago.

A large whooshing zoomed through the room.

"Where did you learn a trick like that, Fluttershy?" Applejack asked.

"I've been studying really hard since I came on board the ship." Fluttershy said.

"It's no good! The missiles are gaining on us fast! We are most certainly going to die!" Rarity said, beginning to panic once again, ignoring the slogan of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

This whole time Pinkie (the computer) had been singing in the background, but it stopped long enough to say "_Impact in five seconds."_

"Why don't we just turn on that Infinite Improbability Drive thing?" Rarity asked, the idea springing to mind.

"Oh, you can't do that." Fluttershy said.

"Why not? What do we have left to lose anymore?" Rarity asked.

"Well because…Does anypony actually know why Rarity can't use the Infinite Improbability Drive?" Fluttershy asked.

"_Impact in one second. It was wonderful to have all of you as friends." _

"I said does anypony know…"

The missiles hit, and there was a deafening BOOM.

"Uh…What happened?" Zaphod asked to nopony in particular.

"Well I was just saying, there's this switch here that-" Rarity began.

"Where are we Shutter?" Zaphod asked.

"Right where we were originally I think." Fluttershy said.

"What happened to the missiles?" Zaphod asked.

"Well according to the screen they just turned into a bowl of petunias and a very surprised looking whale." Applejack said, looking just as surprised.

"Did you think of that?" Zaphod asked Rarity.

"Well, I suppose, in the thrill of the moment, I did." Rarity said, trying not to veer from modesty.

"That was very good thinking, do you know that? You just saved all our lives." Zaphod said appraisingly.

"Oh it was nothing." Rarity said.

"Oh then forget it." Zaphod said. "Okay then computer, take us in to land."

"What I meant was it was nothing to mean it was something." Rarity said, dumbfounded. "I mean, saving all out lives, you know?"

And as the whale and bowl of petunias fell to their dooms shortly after they were born, and Fluttershy prepared to make one of the most important statements of her life, the starship Heart of Gold came to land on the planet Magrathea.


	6. Chapter 6: Fit the Third (Part 2 of 2)

Chapter 6: Fit the Third (Part 1 of 2)

"Hey! My white rabbits have escaped!" Fluttershy yelled.

Although the vast importance of the statement was yet to be recognized, Rarity walked over to her and asked, "Was Angel one of them?"

"Yes." Fluttershy said simply, obviously very sad.

"Oh nuts to all your pets." Zaphod said. "Okay, run atmospheric checks on the planet,"

"Are we going to take that robot?" Applejack asked.

"_Don't feel you have to take any notice of me, please." _Marvin said.

"Oh, Marvin, The Paranoid Android. Yeah, we might as well take him." Zaphod said.

"What are we supposed to do with a manically depressed robot?" Fluttershy asked, having given up on trying to make it not manically depressed a long time ago.

"_You think you've got problems. You could actually be a manically depressed robot. What are you supposed to do then? And don't even try to answer. I'm more than 50,000 times more intelligent than you, and even I haven't found the answer to that one. It just gives me a terrible headache trying to think to your idiotic level of thinking." _Marvin said.

"Well, what's the result?" Zaphod asked, ignoring Marvin.

"_It's breathable, but it smells a bit." _The computer said in a warped double voice that made it hard to decipher what it was saying.

"Okay everypony let's go." Zaphod

"_Good afternoon everypony." _The computer said in a different voice.

"What's that?" Rarity asked.

"I discovered that the computer had an emergency backup personality, which I thought would be a good deal more helpful." Zaphod said.

"_Now this is going to be your first day on a strange alien planet, so I want you all wrapped up snug and warm and no playing with any bug-eyed monsters, okay?" _

"I'm sorry, I think we were better off with the slide rule." Zaphod said.

"_All right, who said that?"_ The computer said.

"Will you open up the exit hatch please?" Zaphod asked.

"_Not until whoever said that owns up." _The computer said.

"Oh God…" Zaphod said angrily.

"_Come on."_ The computer said.

"Do I really sound like that?" Applejack asked in the background, realizing that the computer's backup voice was the voice she had used on Equestria.

"_I'm waiting, I can wait all day if necessary." _The computer said sternly.

"If you don't open that hatch right now, I'll reprogram your main systems with a very large axe, is that clear?" Zaphod threatened.

There was a pause, and the exit hatch slid right open.

"Thank you. Let's go." Zaphod said.

"_It will all end in tears, nothing else." _The computer said.

They all walked out the exit hole and looked out at the planet of Magrathea.

"It's incredible!" Rarity said in awe.

"Desolate hole if you ask me." Applejack said, having seen too many alien planets to be impressed.

"Oh my…" Fluttershy said in awe. "It's so cold, dark and desolate."

"I think it's absolutely fantastic. It's only really sinking in now. A whole different planet. Beyond any imaginable distance from home. It's absolutely marvelous. Pity its such a dump though." Rarity said, saying the last sentence quietly.

"Well it is a bit of a dump. Oh, watch out for all those bits of whale there." Zaphod said, walking around the remains of the whale. Then he saw something. "I found a way in."

"In? In where?" Rarity asked.

"Into the interior of the planet. And that's where we must go. Where no pony has trod these 5 million years. Into the very depths of time itself. Oh, shut up Marvin."

Marvin quit playing the inspirational tune he had been playing while Zaphod was talking.

"Why underground?" Rarity asked.

"Well according to the legends, the Magratheans lived most of their lives underground." Zaphod said.

"Was the surface too polluted or something?" Rarity asked inquisitively.

"No, I just think they didn't like it very much." Zaphod said.

"Zaphod, are you completely sure about all this? Do you know what you're doing? We were nearly hit by missiles you know." Fluttershy said.

"Look, I'm telling you. The live population of this planet is nil besides the four of us.

"And two rabbits." Fluttershy said.

"And two rabbits if you insist." Zaphod said.

"Well if we're going, then let's go." Applejack said.

"Hey Pony girl?" Zaphod asked.

"Rarity." Rarity said.

"Would you stay here with the robot and guard this end of the passageway?" Zaphod asked.

"Why? You said there was nopony here!" Rarity yelled.

"Well just for safety." Zaphod asked.

"Whose? Mine or just yours?" Rarity asked unhappily.

"Good lad. Okay, here we go!" Zaphod said as they began to descend.

"Well I hope you all have a really miserable time!" Rarity called after them.

"_Don't worry. I'm certain they will." _Marvin said.

Down in the passageway, they searched around for anything.

"This is really scary." Fluttershy said, her knees shaking.

"Look at this. All this equipment just lying around. Does anypony know what ended up happening to this place in the end? I mean why did the Magratheans die out?" Applejack asked.

"It was something to do, I suppose." Zaphod said, shrugging it off.

"If I had two heads like you, Zaphod, I could have hours of fun banging them together against a wall." Applejack said.

"Shine the flashlight over there." Fluttershy said.

After Zaphod had complied, Fluttershy said, "Well, we aren't the first to go down this corridor in 5 million years."

"What?" Zaphod asked.

"Look. Fresh rabbit tracks." Fluttershy pointed out.

"Oh, your stupid rabbits." Zaphod said.

Fluttershy gasped. "What's that light down there?"

"It's just the reflection." Zaphod said.

"There's definitely something going on down there." Fluttershy said. "Listen."

There were a series of ray beams blasted at them, and they barely had time to scream.

Meanwhile, Rarity was used to seeing the sunset, but now she was watching two suns set. "Night's falling." She noted. "Look, the stars are coming out."

"_I know. Wretched isn't it?" _Marvin said, not with the moment.

"But the sunset. I've never seen or even imagined anything like it. It was like mountains of fire boiling away below the hilltops." Rarity said.

"_I've seen it, it's terrible._" Marvin said.

"We only had one sun back at home. I came from a place called Equestria, you know." Rarity said.

"_I know, you keep going on about it. It sounds awful." _Marvin said.

"Oh no, it was a beautiful place." Rarity said.

"_Did it have…oceans?" _Marvin asked.

"Oh yes. Great big wide beautiful oceans." Rarity said, getting retrospective.

"_Can't bear oceans."_ Marvin said, killing the moment in a way.

"Do you get on well with other robots?" Rarity asked inquisitively.

"_Hate them." _Rarity began to get up and walk away. "_Where are you going?"_

"Just going for a short walk." Rarity said.

"_Can't blame you."_ Marvin said.

Suddenly an old looking stallion appeared that was dressed in brown robes. "Good evening." He said.

"Gah! Who-" Rarity began.

"You chose a cold night to visit out dead planet." The stallion said.

"What's your name?" Rarity asked feebly.

"My name is not important." The unnamed stallion said.

"Oh- I- You startled me." Rarity said.

"Do not be alarmed, I will not harm you."

"But you shot at us. There were missiles." Rarity demanded.

"Merely an automatic system." The old stallion said. "The ancient computers have sat for five million years. I believe they take the occasional random shot to relieve the boredom of it all. I'm a great fan of science you know."

"Ah." Rarity said, still a little nervous. "No disrespect, but I thought you were all dead."

"Dead? No, we were merely asleep." The stallion said.

"Asleep?" Rarity asked.

"Yes, through the economic recession." The stallion said.

"What?" Rarity asked, not really understanding.

"Five million years ago, the galactic economy collapsed. And seeing that custom built planet are quite a luxury- You did know we built planets, did you?" The stallion asked.

"Yes, I sort of picked that up." Rarity said.

"Fascinating trade. Doing the coastlines was always my favorite. I used to have so much fun making the fjords- Have you ever been to a place called Norhay?" The stallion asked.

"Well, no." Rarity said, not sure why he had asked.

"That's a pity. Anyway, we decided to sleep through the recession. We programmed the computers to wake us up when everypony else was able to afford our rather expensive services." The stallion explained.

"That's a pretty unpleasant way to behave." Rarity said.

"Is it? Anyway, you must come with me or you will be late." The stallion said.

"Late? For what?" Rarity asked.

"What is you name?" The stallion asked.

"Rarity." Rarity said.

"Late, as in the late Rarity." The stallion said.

"What?" Rarity asked, not getting it.

"It's a kind of threat, you see." The stallion said. "I've never really been good at them, but I'm told they can work very well."

"You know, those robes are a crime to fabulosity." Rarity said.

"Is that even a word?" The stallion asked.

"Asking that is a crime to fabulosity." Rarity scolded.

The stallion slapped his forehead.

"Alright. Where are we supposed to go?" Rarity asked.

"In my air car. We are going deep underground, where even now my race is being revived." The stallion said.

"Excuse me. What is your name anyway?" Rarity asked.

"My name is…Slartibartfast." The stallion said.

Rarity couldn't help but laugh. "I beg your pardon?"

"Slartibartfast." Slartibartfast said.

"Slartibartfast?" Rarity asked, laughing a little more.

"I said it wasn't important." Slartibartfast said.

Sometime later, Slartibartfast warned Rarity, "We are entering the heart of Magrathea. I must warn you that the planet we are about to enter does not exist on our planet, but is a hyperspace pocket. It may disturb you." Slartibartfast said.

"Oh good." Rarity said sarcastically.

"Hold tight."

Rarity gasped wildly as huge booms emanated around her and everything began to blur. Eventually, it slowed to a stop.

"Welcome to our factory floor." Slartibartfast told her. "This is where we make most of our planets."

"Does that mean you're starting the whole business up again?" Rarity asked.

"No, no, the galaxy isn't nearly rich enough yet. We're just awake for one special job. This one might interest you. There it is." Slartibartfast pointed out.

Rarity gasped. "That's Equestria!"

"Equestria Mark 2 in fact. Apparently the first was destroyed 5 minutes too early, so we're going to rebuild the thing from out original blueprints." Slartibartfast said.

"Are you saying that you originally created Equestria? And the Sun and Moon so Celestia and Luna could raise it?" Rarity asked.

"Celestia and Luna never actually raised the sun and moon, but yes. We're reprogramming the Luna Mark 2 now. You know, I designed Norhay myself. That's why I asked about it. Won an award for it." Slartibartfast said proudly.

"I can't take all this. Did you say it was destroyed 5 minutes too early?" Rarity asked.

"Yes, by the Vogons. The rabbits were furious." Slartibartfast said.

"The rabbits?" Rarity asked.

"Yes. The destruction of Equestria cut short the greatest experiment of all time. The 10 million year experiment to find the Ultimate Question. And it was all the rabbit's experiment too." Slartibartfast said to her.

Rarity weighed all of the new information in her mind. "Look, would it save you a lot of trouble if I just gave up and went mad now?"


	7. Chapter 7: Fit the Fourth (Part 1 of 2)

_My Little Pony's Guide to the Galaxy. Starring Peter Jones as…The Book._

Chapter 7: Fit the Fourth (Part 1 of 2)

"Rabbits? What do you mean Rabbits? Are we even thinking of the same thing here? Rabbits to me means those little white furry things that Fluttershy cares for and one in particular that always demands special food." Rarity said.

"Pony girl, I often find it hard to follow your manner of talking. Remember I have slept here for over 5 million years, and don't know this Fluttershy girl you speak of. Rabbits are not quite as diminutive as you may think. They are actually a race of pan-dimensional, hyper-intelligent beings. The food demands and allowing themselves to be cared for was merely a trick." Slartibartfast said.

"A trick?" Rarity asked.

"Yes, the rabbits have been conducting an experiment. They set up the whole Equestria business you know. A psychological and intellectual experiment that had gone on for 5 million years." Slartibartfast said.

"No, you've got it all wrong. We used to do experiments on them. Never told Fluttershy about that, though." Rarity said.

"They did arrange for you to believe that you were performing primitive experiments on them to see how you had grown intellectually so they could prod you in the correct direction." Slartibartfast said. "Even staged the parts where they would go the wrong way, eat the wrong carrot, and drop dead from a random rabbit disease."

"_Would Slartibartfast and the visiting Equestria creature please make their way to the work reception area?" _asked a voice over a loudspeaker.

"However the field of worker's management is rather dreadful. Every time they give me an order, I just want to jump up and down and scream!" Slartibartfast said.

"I can see how that might be a problem." Rarity said.

Many ponies across the universe thought that the great cure for their unhappiness would be to discover the meaning to Life, the Universe, and Everything. After many years of no one getting around to it, they got so frustrated that they decided to sit down and solve the problem one and for all. And after centuries they devised a computer so intelligent it devised the meaning of rice pudding and many other issues before they could even turn it on. They named this computer Celestia, after the task of deciphering the celestial meaning of life. Could it really find out the answer? Luckily, a tape exists of the day it was given this task exists, and Rarity stops over in Slartibartfast's study to hear it.

Boop.

"_What is this great task we, Celestia, the second greatest computer in existence have been created to complete?" _Celestia asked in the full force of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Celestia looked like nothing more than a miniature sun, which flashed as she spoke.

"Well, your task to calculate…" One of the two scientists there asked.

"Wait a minute, that isn't right. Did you say you were the second greatest computer in all of existence?" The second asked, cutting in. "Are you not, as we designed you to be, the greatest computer in all of existence?"

"_I described myself as I am." _Celestia said_._

"But that is preposterous. Are you not a greater computer than the Milliard Gargantu-Brain?" The second scientist asked.

"_The Milliard Gargantu-Brain? A mere abacus compared to us. Don't even mention it." _Celestia said in an arrogant fashion.

"And are you not a greater computer than the Great Hypernobic Neutron Wrangler?" asked the first scientist.

"_The Great Hypernobic Neutron Wrangler, oh lest us not with this pocket calculator stuff." _Celestia said.

"And even greater than the Luna, which has the design to predict even the weather, in fact, even control it, at an accuracy level over a million years in advance?" The second asked.

"_Luna is only the third greatest computer." _Celestia said.

"Then which one is the greatest?" the first scientist demanded.

"_We are speaking of the computer that is to come after us." _Celestia said.

"Oh, come on. I think this is getting needlessly hectic and confusing." The first scientist said, unimpressed.

"_You know nothing of future time." _Celestia told them. "_But through our circuits, we can see that there must one day come a computer that's merest operational vectors we are not fit to calculate, but, it will one day be our destiny to design."_

"Look, can we just get on with it and ask the question?" The first scientist said.

"_Yes we can. Speak." _Celestia said.

"Oh Celestia, we have called you into existence to tell us the answer." The first scientist said.

"_The answer. The Answer to what?" _Celestia asked.

"Life." Said the first scientist excitedly.

"The Universe." The second scientist said.

"And Everything." They said together.

"_That's rather tricky." _Celestia said in a thoughtful voice.

"But can you do it?" The first scientist asked.

"_Yes." _Celestia said as the two scientists sighed in relief. "_But I'll have to think about it. Rest assured though, there is a simple answer._

"You can't keep us out! We demand entry!" shouted a voice as two ponies rushed into the room.

"Who are you? We're a little busy right now." The first scientist said.

"I am Magictharsts." Said one of them.

"And I demand that I am Vroomfrondel!" said the other.

"You don't have to demand that…" Magictharsts whispered to Vroomfrondel.

"All right. I am Vroomfrondel, and that is not a demand. That is a solid fact! What we demand is solid facts!" Vroomfrondel yelled.

"No, that's precisely what we don't demand!" Magictharsts said.

"Oh. We do not demand solid facts! What we demand is a total absence of facts!" Vroomfrondel yelled.

"Who are you anyway?" The second scientist asked.

"We are philosophers. We are representatives of a society of philosophers, sages, luminaries, and other thinking persons. And what we demand is that this machine be turned off now." Magictharsts said.

"What's the problem?" The second scientist asked.

"We want it off now!" Vroomfrondel shouted.

"The problem is demarcation." Magictharsts said.

"Now you just let the machine do its thinking. We worked hard to build it, you know!" The first scientist said.

"What point will there be in wondering if there is or isn't a God if this machine comes along tomorrow and gives you his phone number?" Magictharsts asked angrily.

"We demand defined layers of doubt and uncertainty!" Vroomfrondel yelled.

"_Might I make a suggestion at this point?" _Celestia asked.

"You stay out of this, metal nose!" Magictharsts yelled. "I demand that that machine not be allowed to think about this problem!"

"_If I could make a suggestion." _Celestia began.

"We'll go on strike!" Vroomfrondel yelled.

"That's right, you'll have a national philosopher's strike on your hooves!" Magictharsts yelled.

"_Who would that inconvenience?" _Celestia asked questionably.

"Never mind who it'll inconvenience! It'll hurt all right! It'll hurt!" Vroomfrondel yelled.

"_If I could make an observation. Our circuits are now unchangeably committed to computing the answer." _Celestia said.

The reactions of the scientists and the philosophers differed quite a bit.

"_But the program will take 7 and a half million years to run." _Celestia boomed.

Again, the reactions differed. This time though, the scientists were angry and the philosophers were rather happy.

"_And it occurs to us that something like this is bound to attract much public attention." _Celestia said. "_And any philosophers who are quick on the mark can be quick on the prediction business. They go on talk shows and things like that and frightfully disagree over what I'm going to say on the answer. And if you get good agents, you'll be set for life." _Celestia said.

"Now that's what I call thinking!" Magictharsts said enthusiastically. "How come we never think of things like that?"

"I don't know. Maybe our minds are too highly trained." Vroomfrondel said.

Boop.

"But I still don't see what all this has to do with Equestria." Rarity said as the tape ended.

"All will become clear pony girl. Aren't you curious to discover what the computer had to say 7 and a half million years later?" Slartibartfast asked.

"Well of course." Rarity said excitedly.

"Here is the recording of the events of that fateful day." Slartibartfast said.

Boop.

Much cheering rang out from an incredibly large crowd.

"You wait in the shadow of Celestia. Descendents of Vroomfrondel and Magictharsts, the time of waiting is over!" A stallion yelled out as more cheering rang out. "Seven and a half million years ago, our ancestors gave Celestia the task of computing the ultimate answer of life, the universe, and Everything! For 7 and a half million years, we have waited for this great and hopefully enlightening day. The Day of the Answer!"

More uproarious cheering rang out.

"Today, we will never again have to worry about these nagging little problems of Life, the Universe, and Everything!" the stallion yelled. "We can enjoy a game of cricket with the comforting knowledge that the meaning of the Universe has been found!"

"Seven and a half million years ago, our ancestors set this program in motion. An awesome prospect." Said the ancestor of the first scientist, who looked and sounded identical to the first scientist himself.

Celestia coughed slightly as she glowed again.

"Celestia is about to speak." The first scientist said.

"_Good evening." _Celestia said.

"Good evening, great Celestia. Do you have…um…" The first scientist sputtered.

"_An answer to your question? Yes, I do_." Celestia said, having abandoned the royal we.

"There really is one? An answer to the great Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything?" The first scientist asked.

"_Yes." _Celestia said.

"Are you ready to give it to us?" The first scientist asked.

"_Yes, I am. Right now. Though I don't think you're going to like it."_ Celestia said.

"Doesn't matter, we just need to know it." The first scientist said.

"_Now?" _Celestia asked.

"Now." The first scientist said.

"_You're really not going to like it." _Celestia said.

"Tell us!" The first scientist said.

"_All right. The answer to Everything…"_ Celestia began dramatically.

"Yes?" The first scientist asked.

"_Life, the Universe, and Everything…"_ Celestia said.

"Yes?" The first scientist said.

"_Is…"_ Celestia began.

Yes?" The first scientist asked enthusiastically.

"_Is…" _Celestia said, savoring the drama just a little longer.

"Yes?" asked both scientists, almost ready to explode.

"_42." _Celestia said.

There was a very long silence the likes of which the universe has never seen.

"We are going to get lynched, do you know that?" The second scientist said.

"_It was a difficult task." _Celestia said.

"42?" They both asked simultaneously.

"_Yes, it was too broadly based. You never actually stated what the question was." _Celestia said.

"But it was the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything." The second scientist said feebly.

"_Exactly. Now that you know the answer is 42, you just need to find out the Ultimate Question._" Celestia said.

They both groaned. "All right, all right. Can you tell us the question?" The first scientist asked.

"_Tricky." _Celestia said thoughtfully.

"But can you do it?" The second scientist said.

After a moment of thought, Celestia replied, "_No."_

Both the scientists groaned again.

"_But I'll tell you who can." _Celestia said.

"Who?" the scientists asked.

"_I speak of none but the computer that is to come after me. I am not fit to calculate even it's merest operational parameters, yet will design it myself. A computer that can tell you the Ultimate Question. A computer that is so complex that an entire ecosystem will be built into its systems. And it shall be called…Equestria." _Celestia said.

"What a dull name." The second scientist said.

Boop.


	8. Chapter 8: Fit the Fourth (Part 2 of 2)

Chapter 8: Fit the Fourth (Part 2 of 2)

"So there you have it. Celestia designed it, we built it and you lived on it." Slartibartfast said.

"And the Vogons destroyed it 5 minutes before it could find the Question." Rarity finished.

"Yes, ten million years of planning, gone. Oh well." Slartibartfast said.

"You know, this explains a lot. I always had this feeling that there was something going on in the world and no one would tell me." Rarity said.

"Oh, that's just perfectly normal paranoia. Everypony in the universe gets that at some time or another." Slartibartfast said dismissively.

"But if there was something outside-" Rarity began.

"Maybe. Who cares? Maybe I'm just old and tired now, but I never was very interested in finding out the meaning to everything. There's no chance of finding it anyway. Look at me, I design coastlines. Where's the sense in that? There is none. I got an award for Norhay. Been doing the fjords all my life. One moment they're perfectly fashionable, and you get this nice award. In this new land they've given me the zebra plains. I tried to do a fjord for old times sake. Nopony thought it was fashionable now. They told me it wasn't real enough. And what's the point? Science has achieved some incredible things, but I'd rather be happy than right any day." Slartibartfast said.

"And are you?" Rarity asked.

"No, that's the problem." Slartibartfast said.

"That's a pity, I thought it seemed like quite a good lifestyle. You know, I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle. As soon as I've come to a decision about my kind of friends and my kind of job and my kind of music, ponies start blowing up my kind of planet and throwing me off their kind of spaceship. There hasn't been anything I can recognize or feel for at all. It all changes to quickly to build up something coherent. " Rarity said.

"_Attention, would Slartibartfast please immediately, and I mean immediately report to the worker's reception area. Come on guys, the rabbits are waiting." _A voice announced.

"Oh, just forget I said anything…" Rarity said.

And several minutes later, they walked into the worker's reception area.

"Rarity, you're safe." Fluttershy said happily.

"Am I? That's good, I hadn't thought so." Rarity said.

"Rarity, nice to see you, come and join us." Applejack said.

"What happened?" Rarity asked.

"Well, our hosts sort of, attacked us with this brilliant stun ray, and then invited us around for this great meal." Zaphod said, stuffing his mouths.

"Hosts? What hosts? I don't see any hosts." Rarity said, looking around.

"Welcome to lunch, pony creature." Said an incredibly high pitched voice.

"What? Who said that? Ugh, there's a rabbit on the table!" Rarity said.

"Oh haven't you figured it out by now Rarity?" Applejack asked.

"Oh yes, I just wasn't prepared for the reality of it yet. Hello." Rarity said.

"Rarity, you remember Angel." Fluttershy said.

"Hi." Angel said.

"And this one is just called Bunny." Fluttershy said.

"Nice to meet you." Said Bunny.

Um, hello." Rarity said with unease.

"It seems they control a large portion of the universe." Fluttershy said, impressed.

"But aren't they-" Rarity asked.

"Yes, they are the rabbits I took from Equestria. Apparently they managed out entire trip from the beginning." Fluttershy said, still very impressed.

"Um, hello." Slartibartfast said, coming to the table.

"Yes, thank you, Slartibartfast. You may go." Angel said.

"Yes, I'll just go back to working on the fjords." Slartibartfast said.

"That won't be necessary." Bunny said.

"What?" Slartibartfast asked.

"We've decided we won't be needing the new Equestria after all. We've had this rather interesting proposition." Bunny said.

"You can't mean that! I've already got 1000 glaciers poised at the zebra plains!" Slartibartfast yelled.

"Well perhaps you could take a quick skiing holiday before you take them apart." Angel suggested.

"Those were works of art! It would be a crime to ski on them!" Slartibartfast yelled angrily.

"Thank you Slartibartfast. That will be all." Bunny said.

"Thank you sir. Very good sir." Slartibartfast said in defeat. "Good bye Pony girl, I hope your lifestyle comes together."

"Good bye. Sorry about the fjords." Rarity called after as he walked away.

"Now pony creature, you may know that we have been running your planet more or less for the last ten million years in order to find this horrible thing called the ultimate Question." Angel said.

"Why?" Rarity asked.

"No, that doesn't fit the answer." Bunny said.

"No, I mean why are you doing it?" Rarity asked.

"I suppose its just habit really by now. But we are completely sick of the whole thing, and the prospect of doing it all over again on account of those Vogons is a horrifying concept we do not wish to come to pass." Angel said. "Now we've been offered a huge contract to go on a talk show and that sort of thing, and we're inclined to take it." Angel explained.

"I would, wouldn't you?" Zaphod asked.

"Oh definitely, I'd jump at it." Applejack said.

"But that's exactly what those philosophers did. Doesn't anypony in the galaxy do anything except go on talk shows?" Rarity asked.

"The point is this. We know that the Ultimate Question has a lot of bargaining muscle, so, it's worth a lot of money." They both began to laugh greedily. "But if we went on a show and mentioned that we knew the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything and had to admit it was 42, then the show would be quite short." Angel said.

"But doesn't that mean you'll have to go through the whole 10 million year program again?" Rarity asked.

"We think there is a simpler way. You and that girl are last-generation products of Equestria's program. Your agent-"

That's me." Zaphod cut in.

"Has suggested that you give us an ideal way to find the Question and find and quickly." Bunny said. "Go and find it and we'll make you a reasonably rich girl."

"I'm holding out for extremely rich." Zaphod said.

"All right, extremely rich! You dive a hard bargain." Bunny said.

An alarm began sounding. "_Attention. Hostile ship approaching. Everypony in worker's reception are, defense stations! Defense stations!"_

"The police!" Zaphod yelled. "Let's get out of here!"

"Police?" Angel asked.

"Yeah, its this business with this spaceship we stole. We left them a note, but it doesn't seem to have worked." Zaphod said.

"Well come on, let's get out of here!" Applejack yelled.

"Pony girl, find us the Question!" Angel shouted.

"How?" Rarity asked.

"No, that doesn't work either." Bunny said.

"We will find it! Now come on, let's go!" Applejack yelled as most of them jumped out the window.

"Thanks for the meal, but we have to go." Zaphod said sheepishly as he jumped after them.

"Which way, Zaphod?" Applejack asked.

"Well at best guess…down here." They began running.

"We don't want to shoot you, Beeblebrox!" yelled a voice through a megaphone.

"Suits me fine!" he yelled back.

"Over here!" Applejack yelled.

"We're cornered!" Fluttershy screamed.

"All right, behind this behind this computer bank! Get down!" Zaphod said as they all got behind it.

There were two shots fired.

"Hey! They're shooting at us!" Rarity yelled.

"I figured that out." Zaphod said.

"I thought they said they didn't want to do that!" Rarity said.

"I thought they said that too!" Fluttershy said.

"HEY! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SHOOT US!" Rarity called out to them.

"It isn't easy being a cop!" the police called back.

"Well that's their problem, right?" Applejack asked. "HEY! WE'VE GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITHOUT YOU SHOOTING AT US! SO IF YOU COULD JUST STOP SHOOTING, WE'D FIND THIS A LOT EASIER!"

"Now you listen here! We're not just a bunch of jerks! We're a couple of intelligent guys who you'd probably like if you met us socially!" One of the cops yelled.

"I don't go around shooting ponies and then bragging about it! I agonize over it for hours!" The other yelled.

"I write novels! But I haven't had any published yet, so I warn you, I'm in a mean mood!" the first one yelled.

"Who are these guys?" Applejack asked.

"Are you gonna come quietly or are you gonna let us blast you?" The other yelled.

"Which would you do?" Applejack asked.

More shots were fired. "You still there?" The first one asked.

"Yeah." They said in unison.

"We didn't enjoy that at all!" The other yelled.

"Zaphod, do you have any idea how we're going to deal with these guys?" Applejack asked.

"Now listen Beeblebrox, either you come over here and let us beat you up a bit or we'll blow up this entire planet and possibly a couple others we noticed along the way!" The first cop yelled.

"But that's crazy! You wouldn't blow up an entire planet just to get a spaceship back!" Fluttershy yelled desperately.

"Oh yes we definitely would!" the first cop yelled.

"But why?" Fluttershy asked.

"Because there are some things you have to do even if you are an enlightened cop that knows about sensitivity and everything!" The cop yelled.

"I just can't believe these guys." Applejack muttered angrily.

More shots were fired.

"We're not going to be safe here much longer. It's really been nice knowing you guys." Fluttershy said.

"Yeah it was really nice." Zaphod said nervously.

"It was nice bumping into you again." Applejack said to Zaphod. "I think the computer console is about to blow up!"

"It's too bad we never got to finish revising the book. I thought it looked rather promising." Rarity said.

"What book?" Zaphod asked.

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Rarity said.

"Oh, that thing." Zaphod said.

And just like that, the computer console exploded.


	9. Chapter 9: Fit the Fifth (Part 1 of 2)

_My Little Pony's Guide to the Galaxy. Starring Peter Jones as…The Book._

Chapter 9: Fit the Fifth (Part 1 of 2)

"Good evening gentle colts. Do you have a reservation?" asked a man as music played in the background.

"Reservation? You need a reservation for the afterlife?" Applejack asked groggily.

"Afterlife, ma'am?" the stallion asked.

"This is the afterlife, isn't it?" Rarity asked in a rather tired tone.

"Of course it is. I mean there's no way we could have lived through that explosion, is there?" Applejack asked.

"No way at all." Fluttershy said, shaking her head.

"I don't see any way we could have survived." Zaphod said. "I was a total goner."

"Me too!" Rarity said.

"Yeah! We must have been blown to pieces!" Applejack said.

"Yeah!" They all agreed simultaneously.

"Would any of you like to order drinks?" The stallion asked.

"Kapow!" Zaphod emphasized, ignoring him. "So here we are, lying dead…"

"We're standing up." Fluttershy corrected.

"Standing dead, in this desolate…"

"Restaurant!" Rarity realized.

"This desolate restaurant…"

"Five-star!" Rarity said as she looked around.

"Yeah." Zaphod said.

"Nice chandeliers." Fluttershy said, admiring the place.

"The afterlife is quite exquisite." Rarity said.

"Wait…I think we're missing something important here, something somepony just said." Zaphod said.

"About the chandeliers?" Fluttershy asked.

"No, not that." Zaphod said. "Something really important. Hey you."

"Yes sir?" asked the stallion.

"Did you say something about drinks?" Zaphod asked.

"Yes sir. If your lady friends would like a drink before dinner…" The stallion waiter said.

"Great!" Zaphod said.

"And the universe will explode later for your pleasure." The waiter said.

"What kind of drinks do you serve here?" Applejack asked the waiter.

"I think you misunderstand me, ma'am." The waiter said.

"I hope not." Applejack said.

"It is not unusual for guests to be disorientated by the time journey." The waiter said.

"Time journey?" They all asked simultaneously.

"You mean this isn't the afterlife?" Rarity asked.

"Afterlife, ma'am? No, ma'am." The waiter said.

"So we're not dead?" Rarity asked.

The waiter chuckled. "No, ma'am. You are most clearly alive. Otherwise I wouldn't try to serve you."

"Then where in Celestia's posthumous name are we?" Applejack asked.

"That's it! I figured it out! This is Milliways!" Zaphod said excitedly.

"Milliways?" They all asked.

"Yes. Milliways." The waiter said. "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe."

"I didn't know that had ended." Rarity asked. "When did that happen?"

"In just a few minutes, ma'am." The waiter said. "Now if would care to order drinks I will show you to your table."

"Hey fillies and gentle colts. This is your host Vinyl Scratch, and I've just come from the other end of time where I was working at the Big Bang Burger Shack, and I hope you have a swinging evening as we witness a truly historical event: The end of history itself." Vinyl Scratch said from her stage through the microphone.

"Isn't she from Equestria?" Rarity asked.

"Sure. She works part time at the end of the Universe!" Applejack said.

"Thanks for making it clear…"

"Thank you, thank you. Now if you could just take your seats as the candles as the candles are lit, the band is playing…" She paused for a moment to give somepony directions. "And as the force fielded dome above us fades out of existence, revealing a dark and sunken sky, I can just tell we're in for one heck out an evening's apocalypse. Good evening." Vinyl Scratch said.

"If the universe is about to end, Applejack, won't we go with it?" Rarity asked.

"Oh no. They put in this force field barrier. They just say that stuff to wind you up." Applejack said. "You know, this whole end of the Universe stuff is quite a show…"

"Oh. Hey, there's Octavia playing in the band!" Rarity said.

"And as the storms gather to tear apart the last of the universe, let's all sit back and enjoy what I'm sure will be an exciting experience. This is the actual **it.**" Vinyl Scratch said extravagantly. "Now do we have anypony here from the halls of Asgard? The Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet?" There was clapping as these ponies stood up and waved to the crowd.

"Uh, Mr. Beeblebrox?" The waiter said.

"Yeah?" Zaphod said.

"There's phone call for you." The waiter said.

"But who knows where I am?" Zaphod asked.

"Zaphod, maybe it's the police. Could they have tracked us here?" Fluttershy asked.

"Do they want to arrest me over the phone?" Zaphod asked. "Could be, I'm a pretty dangerous guy sometimes."

"Sure." Applejack said unbelievingly.

"I do not know the metal gentleman in question, sir." Said the waiter.

"Metal?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yes, but apparently he has been waiting for you for a considerable number of millennia. He says you left here quite hastily." The waiter said.

"Left? We just got here!" Zaphod said.

"Yes, but before that, you were leaving here." The waiter said.

"You're saying that before we arrived here?" Zaphod said.

"Where is here anyway?" Applejack asked.

"The planet Magrathea, ma'am." The waiter said.

"But we just left there." Applejack said. "This is the restaurant at the end of the universe."

"Exactly. One was built on the ruins of the other." The waiter said.

"Ah. So we traveled in time but not in space."M Rarity said, figuring it out.

"Now you listen here you semi evolved pony, you stay out of this." Zaphod said.

"No, she has it right. You traveled forward many millions of years to arrive here, and your friend has been waiting here in the meantime."

"Well what was he doing the whole time?" Applejack asked.

"Rusting a little I think." The waiter I said.

"It must be Marvin!" Fluttershy said, her eyes widening.

"Pass the phone, waiter." Zaphod said. He took it and put it up to his ear. "Hey! Marvin! How's it going?"

"_I think you'll find I'm feeling very depressed." _Marvin said over the line.

"Really? We're having a great time with the universe ending and all. Where can we find you?" Zaphod asked.

"_You don't have to pretend to care. I know I'm only a menial robot." _Marvin said.

"Uh huh. But where are you?" Zaphod asked.

"_Here I am, brain the size of a planet… I'm quite used to being humiliated. I can go stick my head in a bucket of water if you like."_ Marvin said. "_Would you like me to stick my head in a bucket of water? I've got one ready. Wait a minute."_

"What's he saying?" Applejack asked.

"Oh nothing." Zaphod said.

There was the sound of Marvin dumping his head in a bucket of water.

"Look, where are you?" Zaphod asked.

"_In the car park." _

"In the car park? What are you doing there?" Zaphod asked.

"_Parking cars. What did you think I was doing?" _Marvin asked.

"Just stay there." Zaphod hung up the phone. "Come one, lets go! Marvin's in the car park."

"In the car park? What's he doing there?" Rarity asked.

"Parking cars, idiot. Come, let's go." He said as they rushed off.

"What about my drink?" Rarity asked.


	10. Chapter 10: Fit the Fifth (Part 2 of 2)

Chapter 10: Fit the Fifth (Part 2 of 2)

"Hey, there he is! Marvin!" Fluttershy said.

"Hey, Marvin, we're glad to see you!" Zaphod said coolly.

"_No you're not. Nopony ever is_." Marvin said as he walked over to them.

"Oh no, we are quite glad to see you, Marvin." Fluttershy said.

"Quite." Rarity said halfheartedly.

"I can't believe you've been waiting for us this entire time!" Fluttershy said.

"_The first 10 million were the worst. The second 10 million years were also the worst. I didn't enjoy the third 10 million years at all. After that, things began to decline." _Marvin said.

"Hey Zaphod, look at this!" Applejack said, her attention wandering. "Check out this amazing star cruiser!"

"Wow. Look at this detail. This has got to be a custom job. Too much." Zaphod said admiringly.

"And look at that." Applejack said.

"That's not good for the eyes. I mean, it's so black, you can hardly even make out the shape. Light just falls right into it. And feel this surface." Zaphod said.

"Yeah… Hey, there's no friction." Applejack said.

"This must be one mover. What do you say, Applejack?" Zaphod asked.

"Are you talking about running off with it? Do you really think we should?" Applejack asked.

"No. Let's do it." Zaphod said.

"Okay." Applejack said coolly.

"We better go now. The universe will end in a couple of minutes, and then the owners will come to get their ship." Zaphod said.

"Zaphod, how do we even get in?" Applejack asked.

"Don't spoil it." Zaphod said. "Maybe the robot will be able to figure something out. Hey Marvin, come over, we have something for you to do!"

"_I won't enjoy it." _Marvin said, walking over.

"Oh yes you will. There's a new life full of adventure and excitement and wonder stretching out in front of you." Zaphod said with fake enthusiasm.

"_Sounds awful. I suppose you want me to open this car door?" _Marvin said.

"Uh, yeah, that would be nice." Zaphod said.

"_I wish you would just tell me instead of trying to arouse my enthusiasm since I haven't got any." _Marvin said. And he opened the door.

"Hey, how did you do that?" Applejack asked.

"_Didn't I tell you, I've got a brain the size of a planet. Nopony ever listens to me of course." _Marvin said.

"Hey Zaphod, look at this. Look at the interior. It's back. I mean, everything in it is totally black…" Applejack said.

"And now ladies and gentle colts the moment we've all been waiting for. In five seconds time the universe will come to an end." Vinyl Scratch said as a drum roll began to play. "Watch the boundaries of infinity crush away what remains of our universe."

And ponies **clapped. **And the sounds of water rushing down the drain emanated for five minutes at least.

And so the universe ended.

"Basically what you're trying to say is that you can't control the ship!" Rarity yelled as alarms began to sound through the entire ship, which they had long since stolen and flown off with.

"I'm not trying to say that, the ship is!" Applejack yelled over these alarms.

"I can't figure out these controls!" Zaphod yelled. "Whenever you press one of these black controls that are labeled in black on a black background, a black light lights up to let you know you've done it!"

"Could you even try to control, you're making me feel space sick!" Rarity said, having grown used to the rapid changes that had been made to her life and were still happening.

"Time sick, we're falling backwards in time!" Applejack pointed out.

"Now I think I really am going to be sick!" Rarity whined.

"Can you go easy on us Zaphod? Just today we had to go through the end of the universe and before that an exploding computer shot us all the way to the end of the universe!" Fluttershy told Zaphod.

"How does that happen anyway? How does an exploding computer send you forward into the future?" Rarity asked.

"_It wasn't a computer, it was a hyper spatial field generator." _Marvin said.

"Silly I should have recognized it at once." Rarity said sarcastically.

"_When it overheated, it blew a hole through the space-time continuum, and you dropped right through it." _Marvin said.

And the alarms stopped.

"That sounds better! Were you able to figure out the controls?" Fluttershy asked.

"No we just stopped touching them. I think the ship knows way better where it's going than we do." Applejack told her.

"That makes sense to me." Rarity said.

"What are you talking about, Pony girl?" Zaphod asked.

"Well if whoever owns this ship traveled forward in time to the restaurant at the end of the universe, then they would've programmed it in advance to travel back to the place they originally left, don't you think?" Rarity asked irritably.

"That's quite a good thought. It makes sense." Applejack said, deep in thought.

"So there's nothing we can do but sit back and find out where we end up. So what do we do while we're waiting?" Fluttershy asked.

"I've got a bag of Scrabble tiles in my pocket." Rarity said.

"Hey, you've got a job to do remember? The Ultimate Question to the Ultimate Answer! There's a lot of money and merchandising tied up in that head of yours." Zaphod said.

"Well, yes, but where do I start?" Rarity asked angrily. "I don't know. I mean the answer is 42. The question could be anything. I mean, what's 6 times 7?"

"Uh…42." Hey all simultaneously.

"Yes I know that! I'm just saying the question should be anything. How am I supposed to know?" Rarity asked.

"Because you and Fluttershy are the last generation products of Equestria. Deep in your mind, you have to know." Applejack said.

"_I know." _Marvin said.

"Shut up Marvin this is organized talking." Applejack said.

"_It's printed in her brainwave patterns, but I can read it." _Marvin said. "_But I don't suppose you're interested in that." _

"You mean you can see into my mind?" Rarity asked him.

"_Yes." _Marvin said.

"And?" she asked.

"_It's a wonder you survive with something so small." _Marvin said.

"Oh I see, you just want to insult me!" Rarity said angrily.

"Oh, he's just making it up." Fluttershy said in an assuring tone.

"_Why would I want to make anything up? Life's bad enough without inventing more of it to loath."_

"Marvin, if you knew the Question all along, then why didn't you tell us?" Fluttershy asked.

"_You didn't ask." _Marvin said.

"Well we're asking you now, what's the Question?" Applejack asked.

"_The Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything." _Marvin said.

"Yes?" They all asked simultaneously.

"_To which the answer is 42."_ Marvin said.

"Yes?" They all asked simultaneously.

"_I can tell you're not really all that interested." _Marvin said.

"JUST TELL US!" Applejack yelled.

"Look, the controls are lighting up! We must have arrived!" Rarity pointed out.

"Yeah, we're back in real space!" Zaphod said.

"_I knew you weren't really that interested._" Marvin said.

"The controls still won't do anything. It's still going its own way!" Applejack said.

"Is it even possible to find out where we are?" Fluttershy said.

"The vision screens are down." Applejack pointed out.

"Can't we turn them on?" Rarity asked.

"They are on!" Applejack said.

"Then why can't we see anything?" Rarity asked.

"Go check the rear windows." Zaphod instructed her.

She did, and came back. "Apart from the fleet of black battle cruisers, there's nothing."

"What?" they asked.

"What black battle cruisers are you talking about?" Zaphod said nervously.

"The ones on the rear screen. I thought you'd noticed them. There are about 100,000 of them." Rarity said.

"_Well what do you expect when you steal the admiral of a flagship's star cruiser?" _Marvin asked.

"What makes you think this starship belongs to the admiral of a flagship?" Zaphod asked.

"_I know it is. I parked it for him."_ Marvin said.

"Then why didn't you tell us?" Zaphod asked angrily.

"_You didn't ask." _Marvin said.

"You know what we've done? We've dropped ourselves into the middle of an intergalactic war." Applejack said.


	11. Chapter 11: Fit the Sixth (Part 1 of 2)

_My Little Pony's Guide to the Galaxy. Starring Peter Jones as… The Book._

Chapter 11: Fit the Sixth (Part 1 of 2)

"Are you telling me that we stole the admiral's flagship?" Rarity asked.

"It certainly looks like it." Applejack said. "Maybe if we asked them if we asked them if they wanted it back. Then they just might let us off…"

"They just might let us off with being mildly killed." Zaphod said irritably.

"Well it's better than…um…" Applejack thought.

"It isn't better than anything, is it?" Zaphod asked angrily.

"No." Applejack said.

"The screen's turning on!" Fluttershy said.

"It must be one of the members of the fleet! They must want orders! Oh God!" Zaphod groaned,

"Now just order them to go away, Zaphod. You're going to have to bluff it." Applejack said.

"What?" Zaphod asked.

"Just sit down and do something."

"Say something!" Rarity said.

"Say something!" Fluttershy said.

"We'll just be right behind you, hiding. Now sit down and be a star!" Applejack said.

"When I'm a star, I'll have a better ideas pony!" Zaphod spat.

"_Haggenenon Under Fleet Commander reporting." _Came the voice through the screen.

"Oh uh…Hi Commander!" Zaphod said, feigning cheerfulness.

"_Good evening Admiral." _

"Yeah…what?" Zaphod asked.

"_I trust you had a pleasant meal." _Said the commander.

"Yeah, it was great, great." Zaphod said.

"_Delighted to hear it sir. We are now in battle readiness position and are 7 minutes from the target galaxy. We are poised to your rear and awaiting orders." _The commander said.

"Good, good. And uh, you know, keep in touch commander." Zaphod said nervously.

"_Thank you sir. Oh and sir?" _the commander asked.

"Yeah?" Zaphod asked nervously.

"_I like your outfit._" And he signed off.

"That was amazing Zaphod, you did it!" Fluttershy said.

"That was great Zaphod, I mean, actually pretending to be the admiral!" Applejack said appraisingly.

"I wasn't pretending to be the admiral, for some reason he just assumed I was!" Zaphod said, as surprised as anyone.

"Well maybe you look like him." Applejack suggested.

"Not if he looks anything like his second in command!" Zaphod said.

"Well what did he look like?" Fluttershy asked.

"Like a leopard with sunglasses and an army uniform!" Zaphod said.

"How could he think you were the admiral if he looked like that?" Rarity asked.

"Maybe he couldn't see him." Fluttershy said.

"No, he said he liked my outfit so he must have seen me!" Zaphod said.

"Well maybe he just doesn't have any taste." Rarity said, looking down at Zaphod's outfit.

Zaphod chuckled sarcastically.

"The screen's coming back on!" Fluttershy realized.

"Zaphod, get back in that chair!" Applejack demanded.

"It's too late, get back!" Fluttershy said.

"_Haggenenon Fleet Commander reporting. We are currently 6 minutes from the target galaxy. Oh, and admiral?" _the commander said, his voice more warped than last time.

"Yes?" Fluttershy asked nervously.

"_I really like your outfit. Even better than last time."_

"Oh, thanks." Fluttershy said, looking down at the fact that she wasn't wearing clothes.

"Wow, weirder and weirder!" Zaphod said.

"I thought you said he was a leopard!" Fluttershy said.

"Well what did he look like?" Rarity asked.

"He looked like…well you know, a horseshoe box." Fluttershy said.

"A shoebox?" Rarity asked.

"Filled with size 9s!" Fluttershy said.

"Size 9s?" Rarity repeated.

"Are you an echo, Pony girl?" Zaphod asked.

"No, I just wanted to know how she knew they were size 9s." Rarity said.

"Fluttershy, are you seriously telling us you've been talking to a box of shoes?" Applejack asked.

"Yes." Fluttershy said feebly.

"And whatever it was thought you were the admiral too? They must be very clever. They're trying to confuse us to death." Applejack reasoned.

"_I don't think they're very clever. There's only one person within 30 parsecs of here as intelligent as me, and that's me." _Marvin said.

"Okay Marvin, is there anything you can tell us?" Zaphod asked begrudgingly.

"_Yes. I've got this terrible pain in all my right diodes…" _Marvin began.

"What was the name the commander said? Haggenenon. Maybe we can look it up in the book." Rarity said.

"What book?" Zaphod asked.

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Rarity said.

"Oh that hack rag…"

Click Click. Beep.

_The Haggenenons have some of the most impatient chromosomes in the entire galaxy. While most species are content to evolve slowly, getting rid of a part they don't need here and there over thousands of generations, the Haggenenons genetic structure is so unstable, that far from passing their basic shape on to their children, they will spontaneously evolve several times over lunch. But they do this so recklessly that if they were unable to reach their coffee, they would immediately mutate into something with much longer arms, but that is probably incapable of drinking the coffee. This gives them a case of personal insecurity and a resentment of all stable life forms. They justify this by claiming that as they have experienced being everything else they can think of, they are in a good position to appreciate their worst points. This appreciation is usually military in nature and carried out with unbridled savagery. Experience shows that the best way to deal with any Haggenenon is to run away very fast._

"Great." Rarity said.

"Terrific." Applejack said.

"Thanks a million for getting us into this one, Zaphod." Fluttershy said.

"Well don't look at me." Zaphod said defensively.

"What do we do?" Fluttershy asked.

"The book says to run away." Applejack said.

"How are we going to get the auto pilot to work for us?" Zaphod asked himself. "Any ideas Marvin?"

"_If I were you I'd be very depressed." _Marvin said.

"Pony girl?"

"I'd go along with Marvin." Rarity said.

"Applejack?"

"Well I'm afraid the idea of death seems to make rational thought a whole lot harder." Applejack said, shrugging.

"You know, now that I think about it, there is a chance." Fluttershy said weakly. "The commander thought Zaphod and I were the admiral not because we look the same, but because we look completely different."

"Yeah!" Zaphod said. "If the second in command could be a leopard and a shoebox, then the admiral could actually be anything!"

"Yeah, even the chair we were just sitting in!" Applejack said.

"Yeah, that really nice chair. It looks like it was practically made for me!" Zaphod said. "It's got two headrests!"

"What, those two furry things?" Applejack asked. "They look ridiculous."

"Oh, I don't know. I'd prefer something with much longer arms." Fluttershy said.

"But which is probably incapable of drinking coffee." Rarity said in the background.

"What did you say, Pony girl?" Zaphod asked.

"Did you say they were headrests, Zaphod?" Fluttershy asked. "They look to me like big eyebrows."

"That chair is scratching its leg!" Zaphod said in realization.

"It was the admiral all along! It's moving! It's evolving!" Fluttershy screamed.

And whatever the admiral had become began to roar.

"Do you know what that is?" Zaphod asked in horror.

"Horrible and scary?" Fluttershy asked, shrinking away.

"It's a carbon copy of the Bug Blatter Beas of Traal!" Zaphod shouted.

"Is it safe?" Rarity asked.

"Oh it's perfectly safe, it's just us who are in trouble!" Applejack shouted at her.

"Applejack, we've got to eject it!" Fluttershy called over the roaring.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Applejack asked.

"Oh Celestia, this whole place is coming alive!" Rarity screamed.

"Get off me, you filthy sofa!" Applejack screamed at he rapidly changing beast. The rest screamed things that were incoherent.

"Get in the escape pod!" Zaphod yelled.

And fighting their way around the roaring beast, they managed to do so and close the door.

"All right, press that lever Rarity!" Applejack said. And quickly, they shot off into space. "That was a close one." She sighed.

"Safe…" Rarity chuckled. "Hey, the other pod is gone! Somepony used it! The others are trapped!"

"It's too late, we can't help them. The pod won't turn back." Applejack said sadly.

"What happens if I press this button?" Rarity asked.

"Don't!" Applejack shouted.

Too late. Immediately they were ejected through the fabric of time and space.

Meanwhile…

"_Ouch." _Marvin said in a dull voice as he was tossed around by the beast.

Fluttershy just screamed. "Oh it's got us. If I ever survive this, I'd get a job as a whale's dentist.

"Oh can it Marvin I'm trying to die with dignityyyy…" Zaphod said as the beast grabbed him.

"_I'm just trying to die." _Marvin said.

And without warning, it swallowed them.

Meanwhile…

"Are we in space?" Rarity asked

"No. I think we appeared inside another spaceship." Applejack said as she looked out the window of the pod.

"Are there any problems?" Rarity asked.

"I'll check." Applejack said, turning on a scanner. "The atmosphere is breathable, you know what, let's get out and check."

The door opened, and they walked out.

"Applejack, what about the others?" Rarity asked.

"Rarity, the thing about space travel is that if you have to ditch a friend and there was nothing else you can do, you just let it be and don't remind yourself of it." Applejack said, although she seemed sad herself.

"What, really?" Rarity asked.

"We can mourn them when we go somewhere quiet." Applejack said.

"I think there's something terribly wrong with the universe you know." Rarity said in a depressed tone.

"I think there's something wrong with this ship!" Applejack said.

"I know, it looks like a mausoleum!" Rarity exclaimed, looking around.

"Exactly. That's it. There are all these coffins as far as the eye can see. Weird." Applejack said in an excited tone.

"What's so great about dead bodies?" Rarity asked.

"I don't know, let's have a look." Applejack said. "Here, here! There's a plaque on this one! Golgafraggin Ark Fleet, Ship B Hold 7, Telephone Sanitizer Second Class! And there's a serial number below it."

"Telephone Sanitizer? A dead telephone sanitizer?" Rarity asked.

"That's the best kind." Applejack muttered.

"But what's he doing here?" Rarity asked.

"Not a lot."

"Hey, here's a dead hairdresser!" Rarity said.

"And here's a dead advertising executive." Applejack said.

"Are these really coffins? They're terribly cold…" Rarity began.

"All right, hold it right there!" yelled a gruff voice from somewhere.

"Why isn't anypony pleased to see us?" Rarity asked.

Sometime later, a pony was sitting in the bath, humming to himself.

"Uh, captain?" another pony said.

"Yes, Number One?" The captain asked.

"I've just gotten a report from Number Two. He was shouting something about capturing a couple of prisoners." Number One said.

"Oh, well that will keep him happy for a while. He's always wanted some." The captain said, chuckling.

"Captain!" yelled the gruff voice.

"Oh yes, Number Two? Are you having a pleasant day?" The captain asked.

"I've just captured a couple of prisoners I picked up in Freeze Bay 7, sir!" Number Two reported loudly.

"Hello." Applejack said, walking into the room.

"Hello." Rarity said.

"Hello!" the captain said enthusiastically. "I'm just having a quick bath here. Can you get something to drink, Number One?"

"Certainly sir." Number One said.

"Don't you want to interrogate the prisoners, sir?" Number Two asked.

"Why would I want to do that?" The captain asked.

"We could get information out of them, sir." Number Two said.

"They're my prisoners after all. Can't I just interrogate them a little bit?" Number Two asked.

"All right, if you have to. You may ask them what they want to drink." The captain said.

"Thank you sir." Number Two said gratefully. "ALL RIGHT YOU SCOUNDRELS-"

"Settle down a bit!" The captain said.

"All right. What do you want to drink?" he asked, although still pretty loud.

"Well do have applejack?" Applejack asked. "Made from apples, and it's also my name."

"Sounds nice, I'll have that too." Rarity said nervously.

"With ice or without?" Number Two asked forcefully.

"Ugh. Without, please." Applejack said.

"Lemon?" Number Two asked.

"No, that'll be fine. Say, I'm not locked in an apple diet. Do you have any of those little cheesy biscuits?"

"I'm asking the questions here!" Number Two yelled.

"Settle down, Number Two!" the captain said.

"Sorry sir."

"Push off will you, I'm trying to have a relaxing bath."

"May I remind you that you've been in that bath for nearly three years, sir?" Number Two said.

"Well you need to relax a lot in my position…" the captain.

"What in the formerly wide world of Equestria is going on here?" Rarity asked.

"Yes, I believe an explanation is in order…" Applejack said.


	12. Chapter 12: Fit the Sixth (Part 2 of 2)

Chapter 12: Fit the Sixth (Part 2 of 2)

"Your drinks." Number One said.

"Thanks." Applejack and Rarity said simultaneously, taking them.

"You know, I couldn't help but notice all those dead bodies." Applejack said.

"Dead bodies?" the captain asked.

"You know, all those dead telephone sanitizers and account executives."

"Oh, dead? No, they're just frozen." The captain stated.

"They're going to be revived." Number One said.

"You mean you've got a hold full of frozen hairdressers?" Rarity said.

"Yes! Millions of them! Hairdressers, window washers, you name it, we've got it!" The captain said. "We're going to colonize another planet! Exciting isn't it?"

"What?" Rarity asked. "You're going to colonize the planet with all them?"

"Oh don't misunderstand, we're only one ship in the fleet. This is the B Ark." The captain explained.

"What's a B Ark?" Applejack asked, helping herself to more drinks.

"Well you see our planet was doomed." The captain said. "So we thought that we should pack the whole population on a giant spaceship, and settle on another planet! A less doomed one, you see. So we decided to build three ships. And into the A Ark went all the leaders, scientists, and artists, all the achievers. Into the C Ark went all the workers, the people who made things. And into the B Ark went all the middlemen. And we were sent off first."

"What happened to your planet?" Rarity asked.

"It was going to crash into the sun…or was it the moon was going to crash into us?"

"No, I though it was that the planet was bound to be invaded by a gigantic space fleet." Number One said.

"No no, that's not what I heard. I heard that the entire planet was going to be eaten by a gigantic mutant beast!" Number Two said.

"Oh really…" Number One said.

"But they made sure to send you first?" Rarity asked, getting an idea.

"Oh yes, they wanted to make sure they landed on a planet where they could get a haircut and the phones were clean."

"Well I can see why that would be important." Applejack said, not really getting it. "And the other ships came after you right?"

"Curiously enough, we haven't heard a peep out of them since we left 5 years ago. But they must be somewhere behind us."

"Unless they were eaten by that beast."

"Ah yes, that. You know, now that I tell the story to someone else…Doesn't it strike you as odd, Number One?"

"Well sir…ah…"

"Well I can see you've got a lot to talk about, thanks for the drinks, and if you could just drop us off at the nearest convenient planet." Applejack said.

"That would be a little difficult, as our course was preset before we left."

"Well when are you going to reach the planet you're colonizing?" Rarity said.

"Well we're actually nearly there. Yes, any second now. I think I should probably get out of the bath now. Then again, why stop when you're really enjoying it?"

"So we're going to land on that planet in just under a minute?" Rarity asked.

"No, I'm pretty sure we're programmed to crash on it."

"Crash?" Rarity and Applejack asked simultaneously.

"Oh yes. There was a very good reason for it that I can't quite remember right now…" The captain said inquisitively.

"You're all insane and completely useless!" Applejack yelled at them.

"Oh right, that was it." The captain said as the ship crashed into the planet.

You've probably figured it out by now that all the Golgafriggins actually made up the thing about the planet being doomed to get rid of all the ones they didn't like. Unfortunately for them, the apocalypse did come only a short few days later.

There was a lot of chatter as ponies who had pulled themselves out of the wreckage months and months earlier.

"All right! I would like to call this meeting to some sort of order, if that is possible!" The captain yelled.

"Please, we've got some important news! We've made a discovery!" Applejack said.

"Is it on the schedule?" somepony asked.

"Who cares?" Applejack asked.

"Speaking as a management executive, I must insist on the importance of the committee structure."

"On a primitive planet?"

"Address the chair!"

"There isn't a chair, there's only a rock!" Applejack shouted.

"Well just call it a chair!"

"Why not call it a rock!" Applejack yelled.

"Why you have no conception of modern business!" the pony shouted, offended.

"And you have no conception of where you are!"

"Please will you just shut up! I want to make a table motion!" a mare yelled.

"Yes, I think I've made that point! We are on a primitive planet and there is no table!" Applejack tried to yell.

"Order! Order! I would like to call the 573rd meeting of the colonization committee!"

"Oh this is futile! 573 meetings and you haven't even discovered fire yet!" Applejack yelled, no longer able to take it.

"If you will look at the agenda, you will see that we are to have a report from the hairdresser's fire development subcommittee today." The captain said.

"You know what they did? You gave them two sticks to work with, and they turn them into a pair of scissors!" Applejack yelled.

"When you've been in marketing as long as I have, you know that any new product you make has to be properly researched first. I mean, we've got to find out what ponies want from fire, how they relate to it…" a mare listed off in a thick Manehatten accent.

"Oh who cares?"

"Well that's what we've got to find out. Do ponies want fire they care about.

"And what about the wheel thing? It's quite an interesting device!" The captain said.

"Yeah, well we're having a bit of difficulty…"

"Difficulty! It is the single simplest machine in the entire universe!" Applejack yelled.

"Well if you're so smart, then you tell us what color it should be."

"Oh sweet Celestia, has nopony done anything?" Applejack asked.

"Well a producer has rescued a camera from the wreckage and is making a documentary about the indigenous life forms."

"Who are dying out, didn't you notice?"

Yes, we've made a note to stop selling them life insurance." The captain said.

"Don't you understand, since we've arrived they've started dying out!" Applejack said.

"Yes, and this comes over terribly well in the documentary he's making." The mare said.

"Now if we could move on for a moment to the subject of fiscal policy."

Applejack's eye twitched slightly. "Fiscal policy? How can you have money if you don't produce anything? It doesn't grow on trees you know!"

"Can you allow me to finish please? Ever since we decided a few weeks ago to use leaves as currency, we have all become immensely rich."

"Yes." The whole meeting said simultaneously.

"However, there is now so much that the inflation rate has grown immensely. Now it takes nearly three forests to buy one ships peanut. Now in order to revalue all the leaves, we are going to go on a campaign and burn down all the forests." The captain said. "I think that's a good move, don't you?" Everypony began to nod.

Applejack completely exploded. "You're absolutely insane! You're a bunch of raving lunatics!" she yelled.

"Well, is it? I think it's time to inquire what you've been doing all this time." The mare said. "You and that other girl have been missing for months."

"Rarity and I are trying to find out something about this planet!" Applejack yelled.

"Well that sounds very productive." The mare said sarcastically.

"I have got news for you, Sugarcube. It doesn't matter what you do any more. Burn down the forests, anything. Two million years is all you've got, and that's it. In that time, you race will be gone, good bye, good riddance. Remember that. Two million years." Applejack said calmly.

"Oh." The captain said. "It's time for another bath. Will someone get me a sponge?"

"No, Q scores 10, you see." Rarity said a while later. "And it's on a triple word score, so…I'm sorry, I've explained the rules…No, no, put that down…All right, we'll try again, and try to pay attention this time."

"What are you doing Rarity?" Applejack asked as she walked up.

"Trying to teach this cave pony how to play scrabble." Rarity said. "It's uphill work. The only word they know is grunt, and they can't spell it."

"Would you please tell me what that is supposed to achieve?" Applejack asked.

"We've got to teach them to evolve, Applejack. Can you imagine what a world would be like that was descended from those cretins?" Rarity asked.

"We don't have to imagine, we already know. We can't escape it, I mean, what's the point?" Applejack asked.

"Did you tell them what we discovered?" Rarity asked.

"About Slartibartfast's signature on the glacier? No, there's no point." Applejack said. "Why would they care if they found that this place happens to be called Equestria? I mean face it. Those cretins are your ancestors, not these cave ponies. Put the Scrabble away, it won't save the pony race, because Mr. Ug here is not going to be the pony race. The pony race is currently sitting around that rock, making documentaries about themselves."

"There must be something we can do." Rarity said.

"No, nothing, I mean, nothing, because it's already been done. Look, we've been backwards and forwards in time, and ended up here. But that doesn't change the future because it's already happened. You can't do anything and can't do anything."

"All because the Golgafriggins arrived here in their B Ark?" Rarity asked. "Poor cave pony, this all was a waste of time for you. You were out evolved by a telephone sanitizer."

The cave pony began grunting.

"He's pointing to the scrabble board." They said simultaneously.

"Oh, he's probably spelled library with one r again." Rarity said.

"No, he hasn't." Applejack said quietly.

"It says 42. The experiment! It's got something to do with the experiment to find the Ultimate Question!" Rarity said.

"You know what this mean? It went wrong! If the program was set to follow the human race from the cave ponies, and then we arrived and made them die out, then the whole thing is messed up!" Applejack said.

"So whatever question Equestria turned up with would have been wrong!" Rarity said.

"If only we knew what it was."

"Look, if it's in my head, but I don't know how to reach it, what if we put something random in there like pulling out letters from a scrabble bag?" Rarity asked.

"That's good! Start pulling them out!" Applejack said.

"Okay…W…H…E…N… when…D…O… do…" Rarity said.

"It's working!" Applejack said.

"G…E…T…get…W…H…E…N…when…Y…O…U… you…M…U…L…T…I…P…L..Y… multiply…S…I…X… six… B…Y… by…N…I..N..E…"

"What do you get when you multiply six by nine? Is that it?" Applejack asked in horror.

"Yes. Six times nine. 42. I always thought there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe." Rarity said. "So what do we do now?"

"I guess we just swallow all out pride and join the human race." Applejack said.

"Too bad, right now it's a very nice looking planet."

"It truly is, and always will be."

"And in two million years, it gets destroyed by the Vogons." Rarity said. "That's a wonderful life for a planet to look forward to."

"Could be worse. I once read that there was this planet that got shot straight into a black hole in a game of intergalactic pool. It killed ten billion ponies." Applejack said.

"Total madness. Say, where did you read that?" Rarity asked.

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Applejack told her as they looked up into the night sky.

"Oh, that thing."

_Author's note: I have no intention to make a sequel to this story, as it wasn't really that good. But, if anyone wants to, they have authorization to write the Secondary Phase and beyond._


End file.
